last link on the left

New

A cynic is not merely one who reads bitter lessons from the past, he is one who is prematurely disappointed in the future ~ Sidney J. Harris

After an access cover has been secured by 16 hold-down screws, it will be discovered that the gasket has been omitted ~ De la Lastra's Corollary

All science is either physics or stamp collecting ~ Ernest Rutherford

All television is children's television ~ Richard P. Adler

Boys, I may not know much, but I know chicken shit from chicken salad ~ Lyndon Baines Johnson

Bureaucrats write memoranda both because they appear to be busy when they are writing and because the memos, once written, immediately become proof that they were busy ~ Charles Peters

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher ~ Socrates

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it ~ Russel Lynes

He who will not reason is a bigot; he who cannot is a fool; and he who dares not is a slave ~ Sir William Drummond

I don't have an English accent because this is what English sounds like when spoken properly ~ James Carr

I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, And that enables you to laugh at life's realities ~ Dr. Seuss

I look at what the phone company does and do the opposite ~ Craig Newmark

I once said cynically of a politician, 'He'll doublecross that bridge when he comes to it.' ~ Oscar Levant

I passionately hate the idea of being with it, I think an artist has always to be out of step with his time ~ Orson Welles

I phoned my dad to tell him I had stopped smoking. He called me a quitter ~ Steven Pearl

If living conditions don't stop improving in this country, we're going to run out of humble beginnings for our great men ~ Russell P. Askue

If nobody spoke unless he had something to say, the human race would very soon lose the use of speech ~ W. Somerset Maugham

If you can find something everyone agrees on, it's wrong ~ Mo Udall

If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of yourself. What isn't part of ourselves doesn't disturb us ~ Hermann Hesse

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to ~ Dorothy Parker

It is a curious thing... that every creed promises a paradise which will be absolutely uninhabitable for anyone of civilized taste ~ Evelyn Waugh

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them! ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off ~ Woody Allen

I've stopped drinking, but only while I'm asleep ~ George Best

Language is the source of misunderstandings ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence ~ H. L. Mencken

Lying increases the creative faculties, expands the ego, and lessens the frictions of social contacts ~ Clare Booth Luce

Man is so made that he can only find relaxation from one kind of labor by taking up another ~ Anatole France

Maybe this world is another planet's hell ~ Aldous Huxley

Never tell anyone that you're writing a book, going on a diet, exercising, taking a course, or quitting smoking. They'll encourage you to death ~ Lynn Johnston

Old age is not so bad when you consider the alternatives ~ Maurice Chevalier

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man ~ Bertrand Russell

People might not get all they work for in this world, but they must certainly work for all they get ~ Frederick Douglass

Perpetual devotion to what a man calls his business, is only to be sustained by perpetual neglect of many other things ~ Robert Louis Stevenson

Reading made Don Quixote a gentleman. Believing what he read made him mad ~ George Bernard Shaw

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water ~ W. C. Fields

Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them ~ Joseph Heller

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be ~ Rita Rudner

Tact is the knack of making a point without making an enemy ~ Isaac Newton

Television has raised writing to a new low ~ Samuel Goldwyn

The artist doesn't have time to listen to the critics. The ones who want to be writers read the reviews, the ones who want to write don't have the time to read reviews ~ William Faulkner

The mind of a bigot is like the pupil of the eye. The more light you shine on it, the more it will contract ~ Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents ~ Nathaniel Borenstein

The reserve of modern assertions is sometimes pushed to extremes, in which the fear of being contradicted leads the writer to strip himself of almost all sense and meaning ~ Sir Winston Churchill

The wisdom of the wise, and the experience of ages, may be preserved by quotation ~ Benjamin Disraeli

There is nothing more demoralizing than a small but adequate income ~ Edmund Wilson

There was a time when we expected nothing of our children but obedience, as opposed to the present, when we expect everything of them but obedience ~ Anatole Broyard

Think of what would happen to us in America if there were no humorists; life would be one long Congressional Record ~ Tom Masson

Truth is more of a stranger than fiction ~ Mark Twain

Try as hard as we may for perfection, the net result of our labors is an amazing variety of imperfectness. We are surprised at our own versatility in being able to fail in so many different ways ~ Samuel McChord Crothers

Very little is known of the Canadian country since it is rarely visited by anyone but the Queen and illiterate sport fishermen ~ P. J. O'Rourke

We are here and it is now. Further than that all human knowledge is moonshine ~ H. L. Mencken

1 | A | B | C | D | E | F | G | H | I | J | K | L | M | N | O | P | Q | R | S | T | U | V | W | Y | Z

1

1. Never tell everything at once ~ Ken Venturi

2 is not equal to 3, not even for large values of 2 ~ Grabel's Law

A

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it ~ Bob Hope

A belief is not merely an idea the mind possesses; it is an idea that possesses the mind ~ Robert Bolton

A book of quotations . . . can never be complete ~ Robert M. Hamilton

A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking ~ Jerry Seinfeld

A bore is a man who deprives you of solitude without providing you with company ~ Gian Vincenzo Gravina

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized ~ Fred Allen

A censor is a man who knows more than he thinks you ought to ~ Granville Hicks

A chess genius is a human being who focuses vast, little-understood mental gifts and labors on an ultimately trivial human enterprise ~ George Steiner

A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election ~ Bill Vaughan

A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read ~ Mark Twain

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory

A committee is a cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured and then quietly strangled ~ Sir Barnett Cocks

A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that works ~ John Gaule

A compromise is the art of dividing a cake in such a way that everyone believes he has the biggest piece ~ Ludwig Erhard

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking

A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done ~ Fred Allen

A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for the first time ~ Alfred E. Wiggam

A conservative is a man who sits and thinks, mostly sits ~ Woodrow Wilson

A country can be judged by the quality of its proverbs ~ German Proverb

A coupla months in the laboratory can save a coupla hours in the library ~ Westheimer's Discovery

A cult is a religion with no political power ~ Tom Wolfe

A cynic is just a man who found out when he was about ten that there wasn't any Santa Claus, and he's still upset ~ James Gould Cozzens

A cynic is not merely one who reads bitter lessons from the past, he is one who is prematurely disappointed in the future ~ Sidney J. Harris

A diplomat ... is a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip ~ Caskie Stinnett

A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of ~ Ogden Nash

A facility for quotation covers the absence of original thought ~ Dorothy L. Sayers

A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold ~ Ogden Nash

A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject ~ Sir Winston Churchill

A fashion is nothing but an induced epidemic ~ George Bernard Shaw

A fellow who is always declaring he's no fool usually has his suspicions ~ Wilson Mizner

A fine quotation is a diamond on the finger of a man of wit, and a pebble in the hand of a fool ~ Joseph Roux

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries

A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, adored by little statesmen and philosophers and divines ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

A friend is someone who will help you move. A real friend is someone who will help you move a body ~ unknown

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship ~ John D. Rockefeller

A girl should not expect special privileges because of her sex but neither should she adjust to prejudice and discrimination ~ Betty Friedan

A good conversationalist is not one who remembers what was said, but says what someone wants to remember ~ John Mason Brown

A good listener is a good talker with a sore throat ~ Katharine Whitehorn

A good listener is not only popular everywhere, but after a while he gets to know something ~ Wilson Mizner

A good many young writers make the mistake of enclosing a stamped, self-addressed envelope, big enough for the manuscript to come back in. This is too much of a temptation to the editor ~ Ring Lardner

A good novel tells us the truth about its hero; but a bad novel tells us the truth about its author ~ GK Chesterton

A good reputation is more valuable than money ~ Publilius Syrus

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul ~ George Bernard Shaw

A great many people think they are thinking when they are really rearranging their prejudices ~ William James

A happy childhood has spoiled many a promising life ~ Robertson Davies

A healthy male adult bore consumes each year one and a half times his own weight in other people's patience ~ John Updike

A hospital is no place to be sick ~ Samuel Goldwyn

A husband is like a fire: he goes out when unattended ~ Evan Esar

A hypocrite is a person who - but who isn't? ~ Don Marquis

A joke's a very serious thing ~ Charles Churchill

A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers ~ HL Mencken

A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer ~ Robert Frost

A kleptomaniac is a person who helps himself because he can't help himself ~ Henry Morgan

A large income is the best recipe for happiness I ever heard of ~ Jane Austen

A liberal is a person whose interests aren't at stake at the moment ~ Willis Player

A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes ~ Mark Twain

A lie told often enough becomes the truth ~ Lenin

A life of pleasure makes even the strongest mind frivolous at last ~ Edward Bulwer-Lytton

A lifetime is more than sufficiently long for people to get what there is of it wrong ~ unknown

A lifetime of happiness! No man alive could bear it: it would be hell on earth ~ George Bernard Shaw

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation ~ Saki

A little learning is a dangerous thing but a lot of ignorance is just as bad ~ Bob Edwards

A little more moderation would be good. Of course, my life hasn't exactly been one of moderation ~ Donald Trump

A little nonsense now and then, is relished by the wisest men ~ anonymous

A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal ~ Oscar Wilde

A long habit of not thinking a thing wrong gives it a superficial appearance of being right ~ Thomas Paine

A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water ~ Carl Reiner

A lot of people mistake a short memory for a clear conscience ~ Doug Larson

A magician pulls rabbits out of hats. An experimental psychologist pulls habits out of rats ~ anonymous

A man can be happy with any woman as long as he does not love her ~ Oscar Wilde

A man is rich in proportion to the number of things he can afford to let alone ~ Henry David Thoreau

A man thinks that by mouthing hard words he understands hard things ~ Herman Melville

A man with a watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure ~ Segal's Law

A man's life is interesting primarily when he has failed - I well know. For it's a sign that he tried to surpass himself ~ Georges Clemenceau

A man's silence is wonderful to listen to ~ Thomas Hardy

A man's worst difficulties begin when he is able to do as he likes ~ Thomas Henry Huxley

A marriage is always made up of two people who are prepared to swear that only the other one snores ~ Terry Pratchett

A martyr's disciples suffer more than the martyr ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

A motion to adjourn is always in order ~ Robert Heinlein

A myth is a religion in which no one any longer believes ~ James Feibleman

A nation is a society united by delusions about its ancestry and by common hatred of its neighbors ~ William Ralph Inge

A nation that is afraid to let its people judge the truth and falsehood in an open market is a nation that is afraid of its people ~ John F. Kennedy

A national debt, if it is not excessive, will be to us a national blessing ~ Alexander Hamilton

A neurosis is a secret that you don't know you are keeping ~ Kenneth Tynan

A new idea is first condemned as ridiculous and then dismissed as trivial, until finally, it becomes what everybody knows ~ William James

A newspaper consists of just the same number of words, whether there be any news in it or not ~ Henry Fielding

A paranoid is someone who knows a little of what's going on ~ William S. Burroughs

A perpetual holiday is a good working definition of hell ~ George Bernard Shaw

A person is always startled when he hears himself seriously called an old man for the first time ~ Oliver Wendell Holmes

A person is never happy except at the price of some ignorance ~ Anatole France

A person travels the world over in search of what he needs and returns home to find it ~ George Moore

A person who trusts no one can't be trusted ~ Jerome Blattner

A poem is never finished, only abandoned ~ Paul Valery

A poet more than thirty years old is simply an overgrown child ~ HL Mencken

A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits ~ Robert Heinlein

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort ~ Herm Albright

A professional writer is an amateur who didn't quit ~ Richard Bach

A quotation, like a pun, should come unsought, and then be welcomed only for some propriety of felicity justifying the intrusion ~ Robert Chapman

A satirist is a man who discovers unpleasant things about himself and then says them about other people ~ Peter McArthur

A seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done ~ Dwight D. Eisenhower

A short saying oft contains much wisdom ~ Sophocles

A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic ~ Joseph Stalin

A sound mind in a sound body is a short but full description of a happy state in this world ~ John Locke

A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch paper cannot be understood ~ Mark Ardis

A stitch in time would have confused Einstein

A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many bad measures ~ Daniel Webster

A stupid man's report of what a clever man says can never be accurate, because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand ~ Bertrand Russell

A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of ~ Burt Bacharach

A thinker sees his own actions as experiments and questions~as attempts to find out something. Success and failure are for him answers above all ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

A thought is often original, though you have uttered it a hundred times ~ Oliver Wendell Holmes

A timid person is frightened before a danger, a coward during the time, and a courageous person afterward ~ Jean Paul Richter

A truly great book should be read in youth, again in maturity and once more in old age, as a fine building should be seen by morning light, at noon and by moonlight ~ Robertson Davies

A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students ~ John Ciardi

A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with ~ Tennessee Williams

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on ~ Samuel Goldwyn

A waist is a terrible thing to mind ~ Jane Caminos

A wise man can see more from the bottom of a well than a fool can from a mountain top ~ unknown

A wise man gets more use from his enemies than a fool from his friends ~ Baltasar Gracian

A wise man will make more opportunities than he finds ~ Sir Francis Bacon

A witty saying proves nothing ~ Voltaire

A writer is a person for whom writing is more difficult than it is for other people ~ Thomas Mann

Ability will never catch up with the demand for it ~ Malcolm Forbes

Abortion is advocated only by persons who have themselves been born ~ Ronald Reagan

About the most originality that any writer can hope to achieve honestly is to steal with good judgment ~ Josh Billings

About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends ~ Herbert Hoover

Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties ~ Doug Larson

Act your part ~ therein lies the glory ~ William Shakespeare

Acting is not being emotional, but being able to express emotion ~ Kate Reid

Acting is the most minor of gifts and not a very high-class way to earn a living. After all, Shirley Temple could do it at the age of four ~ Katharine Hepburn

Addresses are given to us to conceal our whereabouts ~ Saki

Adulthood is the ever-shrinking period between childhood and old age. It is the apparent aim of modern industrial societies to reduce this period to a minimum ~ Thomas Szasz

Adventure is just bad planning ~ Roald Amundsen

Advertisements... contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper ~ Thomas Jefferson

Advertising is the modern substitute for argument; its function is to make the worse appear the better ~ George Santayana

Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it ~ Stephen Leacock

After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations ~ H. L. Mencken

After an access cover has been secured by 16 hold-down screws, it will be discovered that the gasket has been omitted ~ De la Lastra's Corollary

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one ~ Cato the Elder

After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say "I want to see the manager" ~ William S. Burroughs

After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music ~ Aldous Huxley

After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, 'No hablo ingles.' ~ Ronnie Shakes

Against logic there is no armor like ignorance ~ Laurence J. Peter

Against stupidity the gods themselves contend in vain ~ Friedrich von Schiller

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity ~ Tom Stoppard

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough ~ Groucho Marx

All animals are equal but some animals are more equal than others ~ George Orwell

All charming people have something to conceal, usually their total dependence on the appreciation of others ~ Cyril Connolly

All general statements are false ~ unknown

All great truths begin as blasphemies ~ George Bernard Shaw

All human beings should try to learn before they die what they are running from, and to, and why ~ James Thurber

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy ~ unknown

All marriages are mixed marriages ~ Chantal Saperstein

All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. I myself deny it ~ HL Mencken

All of the books in the world contain no more information than is broadcast as video in a single large American city in a single year. Not all bits have equal value ~ Carl Sagan

All of us learn to write in the second grade. Most of us go on to greater things ~ Bobby Knight

All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind ~ Aristotle

All phone calls are obscene ~ Karen Elizabeth Gordon

All power corrupts, but we need the electricity ~ unknown

All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of every organism to live beyond its income ~ Samuel Butler

All science is either physics or stamp collecting ~ Ernest Rutherford

All successful newspapers are ceaselessly querulous and bellicose. They never defend anyone or anything if they can help it; if the job is forced on them, they tackle it by denouncing someone or something else ~ HL Mencken

All television is children's television ~ Richard P. Adler

All that is human must retrograde if it does not advance ~ Edward Gibbon

All the President is, is a glorified public relations man who spends his time flattering, kissing and kicking people to get them to do what they are supposed to do anyway ~ Harry S Truman

All the world's a cage ~ Jeanne Phillips

All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed ~ Sean O'Casey

All things are difficult before they are easy ~ Dr. Thomas Fuller

All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered; the point is to discover them ~ Galileo Galilei

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy and Jill a rich widow ~ Evan Esar

All you have to do is know where you're going. The answers will come to you of their own accord ~ Earl Nightingale

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing ~ Dave Barry

Although prepared for martyrdom, I preferred that it be postponed ~ Sir Winston Churchill

Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more ~ Mark Twain

Always aim for achievement, and forget about success ~ Helen Hayes

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use ~ Wendell Johnson

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home ~ Phyllis Diller

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual ~ Terry Pratchett

Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest ~ Mark Twain

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk ~ that will teach you to keep your mouth shut ~ Ernest Hemingway

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much ~ Oscar Wilde

Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day ~ Mickey Rooney

Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it ~ P.J. O'Rourke

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy ~ Edgar Bergen

America believes in education: the average professor earns more money in a year than a professional athlete earns in a whole week ~ Evan Esar

America is a large, friendly dog in a very small room. Every time it wags its tail, it knocks over a chair ~ Arnold Toynbee

America is a mistake, a giant mistake ~ Sigmund Freud

Americans detest all lies except lies spoken in public or printed lies ~ Edgar Watson Howe

Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic ~ Dan Rather

Among those whom I like, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can; all of them make me laugh ~ W. H. Auden

An adventure is only an inconvenience rightly considered. An inconvenience is an adventure wrongly considered ~ GK Chesterton

An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do ~ Dylan Thomas

An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile - hoping it will eat him last ~ Winston Churchill

An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support ~ John Buchan

An author is a fool who, not content with boring those he lives with, insists on boring future generations ~ Charles de Montesquieu

An economist is a man who states the obvious in terms of the incomprehensible ~ Alfred A. Knopf

An economist is a surgeon with an excellent scalpel and a rough-edged lancet, who operates beautifully on the dead and tortures the living ~ Nicholas Chamfort

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible ~ unknown

An epigram often flashes light into regions where reason shines but dimly ~ Edwin P. Whipple

An expert is a person who avoids small error as he sweeps on to the grand fallacy ~ Benjamin Stolberg

An honest politician is one who, when he is bought, will stay bought ~ Simon Cameron

An idealist is a person who helps other people to be prosperous ~ Henry Ford

An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup ~ HL Mencken

An ignorant person is one who doesn't know what you have just found out ~ Will Rogers

An incompetent attorney can delay a trial for months or years. A competent attorney can delay one even longer ~ Evelle J. Younger

An intellectual is a man who takes more words than necessary to tell more than he knows ~ Dwight D. Eisenhower

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex ~ Aldous Huxley or Edgar Wallace

An intellectual snob is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture and not think of The Lone Ranger ~ Dan Rather

An optimist stays up to see the New Year in. A pessimist waits to make sure the old one leaves ~ Bill Vaughan

An undefined problem has an infinite number of solutions ~ Robert A. Humphrey

And remember, no matter where you go, there you are ~ Earl Mac Rauch

Anger is a brief lunacy ~ Horace

Anger is the feeling that makes your mouth work faster than your mind ~ Evan Esar

Another flaw in the human character is that everybody wants to build and nobody wants to do maintenance ~ Kurt Vonnegut

Another unsettling element in modern art is that common symptom of immaturity, the dread of doing what has been done before ~ Edith Wharton

Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Anxiety is the space between the 'now' and the 'then' ~ Richard Abell

Any American who is prepared to run for president should automatically, by definition, be disqualified from ever doing so ~ Gore Vidal

Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art ~ Charles McCabe

Any effort that has self-glorification as its final endpoint is bound to end in disaster ~ Robert M. Pirsig

Any event, once it has occurred, can be made to appear inevitable by a competent historian ~ Lee Simonson

Any fool can make a rule, and any fool will mind it ~ Henry David Thoreau

Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of some sense to know how to lie well ~ Samuel Butler

Any man whose errors take ten years to correct is quite a man ~ J. Robert Oppenheimer

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic ~ Arthur C. Clarke

Any war that requires the suspension of reason as a necessity for support is a bad war ~ Norman Mailer

Any woman who thinks the way to a man's heart is through his stomach is aiming about 10 inches too high ~ Adrienne E. Gusoff

Any word you have to hunt for in a thesaurus is the wrong word. There are no exceptions to this rule ~ Stephen King

Anybody can win unless there happens to be a second entry ~ George Ade

Anybody caught selling macrame in public should be dyed a natural color and hung out to dry ~ Calvin Trillin

Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead ~ Erma Bombeck

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment ~ Robert Benchley

Anyone nit-picking enough to write a letter of correction to an editor doubtless deserves the error that provoked it ~ Alvin Toffler

Anyone who can handle a needle convincingly can make us see a thread which is not there ~ EH Gombrich

Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined ~ Samuel Goldwyn

Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job ~ Douglas Adams

Anyone who uses the phrase 'easy as taking candy from a baby' has never tried taking candy from a baby ~ unknown

Anything not worth doing is worth not doing well. Think about it ~ Elias Schwartz

Anything too stupid to be said is sung ~ Voltaire

Appear weak when you are strong, and strong when you are weak ~ Sun Tzu

Architecture is the art of how to waste space ~ Philip Johnson

Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs? ~ Spike Milligan

Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes ~ Mickey Mouse

Art is a collaboration between God and the artist, and the less the artist does the better ~ Andre Gide

Art is either plagiarism or revolution ~ Paul Gauguin

Art is making something out of nothing and selling it ~ Frank Zappa

Art is science made clear ~ Jean Cocteau

Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity ~ unknown

As a rule we disbelieve all the facts and theories for which we have no use ~ William James

As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality ~ Albert Einstein

As for me, except for an occasional heart attack, I feel as young as I ever did ~ Robert Benchley

As I grow older , I regret to say that a detestable habit of thinking seems to be getting a hold of me ~ H. Rider Haggard

As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it ~ Dick Cavett

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree' ~ probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on ~ Woody Allen

As you journey through life take a minute every now and then to give a thought for the other fellow. He could be plotting something ~ Hagar the Horrible

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what's for lunch ~ Orson Welles

Ask yourself whether you are happy and you cease to be so ~ John Stuart Mill

Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamppost how it feels about dogs ~ Christopher Hampton

Assert your right to make a few mistakes. If people can't accept your imperfections, that's their fault ~ Dr. David M. Burns

Assuming either the Left Wing or the Right Wing gained control of the country, it would probably fly around in circles ~ Pat Paulsen

At times one remains faithful to a cause only because its opponents do not cease to be insipid ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

Autobiography is an unrivaled vehicle for telling the truth about other people ~ Philip Guedalla

1 | A | B | C | D | E | F | G | H | I | J | K | L | M | N | O | P | Q | R | S | T | U | V | W | Y | Z

B

Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies ~ Thomas Jefferson

Barometer, n.: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having ~ Ambrose Bierce

Baseball is 90% mental, the other half is physical ~ Yogi Berra

Basic research is what I am doing when I don't know what I am doing ~ Wernher von Braun

Bath theorem: when the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings

Be a man of value rather than a man of image for, deep value brings a good image but image does not bring any deep value ~ Philippos

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind ~ Dr. Seuss

Be yourself. Everyone else is taken ~ unknown

Beauty is only a light switch away ~ unknown

Because I remember, I despair. Because I remember, I have the duty to reject despair ~ Elie Wiesel

Because things are the way they are, things will not stay the way they are ~ Bertolt Brecht

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy ~ Benjamin Franklin

Before God we are all equally wise - and equally foolish ~ Albert Einstein

Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories ~ John Wilmot

Before you can do something you must first be something ~ Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

Behind every great fortune there is a crime ~ Honore de Balzac

Behind the phony tinsel of Hollywood lies the real tinsel ~ Oscar Levant

Being ignorant is not so much a shame, as being unwilling to learn ~ Benjamin Franklin

Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart enough to understand the game, and dumb enough to think it's important ~ Eugene McCarthy

Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision ~ Blake Clark

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it ~ Andre Gide

Better to be synonymous than anonymous ~ anonymous

Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self ~ Cyril Connolly

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before ~ Mae West

Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes ~ Henry David Thoreau

Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before... He is full of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their ignorance the hard way ~ Kurt Vonnegut

Beware when the great God lets loose a thinker on this planet ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Biography lends to death a new terror ~ Oscar Wilde

Biology is the least of what makes someone a mother ~ Oprah Winfrey

Blessed are the flexible for they shall not be bent out of shape ~ unknown

Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving us wordy evidence of the fact ~ George Eliot

Books have the same enemies as people: fire, humidity, animals, weather, and their own content ~ Paul Valery

Bore, n.: A person who talks when you wish him to listen ~ Ambrose Bierce

Bored people, unless they sleep a lot, are cruel ~ Renata Adler

Boys are beyond the range of anybody's sure understanding, at least when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years ~ James Thurber

Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men ~ Kin Hubbard

Boys, I may not know much, but I know chicken shit from chicken salad ~ Lyndon Baines Johnson

Brass bands are all very well in their place - outdoors and several miles away ~ Sir Thomas Beecham

Brother, as you travel towards your goal, keep your eye upon the donut and not upon the hole ~ Maxwell House Coffee Billboard, 1946

Brown's law: if the shoe fits, it's ugly

Bureaucracy defends the status quo long past the time when the quo has lost its status ~ Laurence J. Peter

Bureaucracy is a giant mechanism operated by pygmies ~ Honore de Balzac

Bureaucrats write memoranda both because they appear to be busy when they are writing and because the memos, once written, immediately become proof that they were busy ~ Charles Peters

Bureaucrats write memoranda both because they appear to be busy when they are writing and because the memos, once written, immediately become proof zthat they were busy ~ Charles Peters

But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown ~ Carl Sagan

But the only way of discovering the limits of the possible is to venture a little way past them into the impossible ~ Arthur C. Clarke

But words are things, and a small drop of ink, falling like dew upon a thought, produces that which makes thousands, perhaps millions, think ~ Lord Byron

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher ~ Socrates

By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he's wrong ~ Charles Wadsworth

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean ~ Mark Twain

1 | A | B | C | D | E | F | G | H | I | J | K | L | M | N | O | P | Q | R | S | T | U | V | W | Y | Z

C

Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others ~ Ambrose Bierce

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function ~ unknown

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow ~ Jeff Valdez

Cemeteries are full of irreplaceable people ~ Arabic proverb

Censorship, like charity, should begin at home; but, unlike charity, it should end there ~ Clare Booth Luce

Chance is the pseudonym of God when he did not want to sign ~ Theophile Gautier

Change is inevitable, except from vending machines

Channeling is just bad ventriloquism. You use another voice, but people can see your lips moving ~ Penn Jillette

Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved ~ Helen Keller

Character consists of what you do on the third and fourth tries ~ James Michener

Character is what you have left when you've lost everything you can lose ~ Evan Esar

Charm is a way of getting the answer yes without asking a clear question ~ Albert Camus

Charm is the quality in others that makes us more satisfied with ourselves ~ Henri-Frédéric Amiel

Chess is as elaborate a waste of human intelligence as you can find outside an advertising agency ~ Raymond Chandler

Children are all foreigners ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Choose a job that you like and you will never have to work a day in your life ~ Confucius

Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune ~ Kin Hubbard

Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely ~ P.J. O'Rourke

CNN is one of the participants in the war. I have a fantasy where Ted Turner is elected president but refuses because he doesn't want to give up power ~ Arthur C. Clarke

Cocaine is God's way of saying that you're making too much money ~ Robin Williams

Cockroaches and socialites are the only things that can stay up all night and eat anything ~ Herb Caen

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious ~ Peter Ustinov

Coming home from very lonely places, all of us go a little mad: whether from great personal success, or just an all-night drive, we are the sole survivors of a world no one else has ever seen ~ John le Carre

Committee: a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done ~ Fred Allen

Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing ~ William James

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen ~ Albert Einstein

Communism doesn't work because people like to own stuff ~ Frank Zappa

Communism is like one big phone company ~ Lenny Bruce

Competence, like truth, beauty and contact lenses, is in the eye of the beholder ~ Laurence J. Peter

Computer dating is fine, if you’re a computer ~ Rita Mae Brown

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes ~ EW Dijkstra

Computers are useless. They can only give you answers ~ Pablo Picasso

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done ~ Andy Rooney

Confucius say ~ woman who sink in man's arms, soon have arms in man's sink.

Confusion is always the most honest response ~ Marty Indik

Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking ~ HL Mencken

Conscience is what makes a boy tell his mother before his sister does ~ Evan Esar

Consience is what makes a boy tell his mother before his sister does ~ Evan Esar

Consistency requires you to be as ignorant today as you were a year ago ~ Bernard Berenson

Contrary to general belief, I do not believe that friends are necessarily the people you like best, they are merely the people who got there first ~ Peter Ustinov

Correct me if I'm wrong, but hasn't the fine line between sanity and madness gotten finer? ~ George Price

Count Hermann Keyserling once said truly that the greatest American superstition was belief in facts ~ John Gunther

Courage is fear holding on a minute longer ~ General Patton

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear ~ Mark Twain

Courage is the mastery of fear, not the absence of fear ~ Mark Twain

Crime does not pay ... as well as politics ~ Alfred E. Newman

Criticism is prejudice made plausible ~ HL Mencken

Critics search for ages for the wrong word, which, to give them credit, they eventually find ~ Peter Ustinov

Cynically speaking, one could say that it is true to life to be cynical about it ~ Paul Tillich

1 | A | B | C | D | E | F | G | H | I | J | K | L | M | N | O | P | Q | R | S | T | U | V | W | Y | Z

D

Defining and analysing humor is a pastime of humorless people ~ Robert Benchley

Deja moo - the feeling that you've heard this bull before

Democracy consists of choosing your dictators, after they've told you what you think it is you want to hear ~ Alan Corenk

Democracy is a device that ensures we shall be governed no better than we deserve ~ George Bernard Shaw

Democracy is a process by which the people are free to choose the man who will get the blame ~ Laurence J. Peter

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half the time ~ EB White

Democracy means government by discussion, but it is only effective if you can stop people talking ~ Clement Atlee

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president ~ Johnny Carson

Devotees of grammatical studies have not been distinguished for any very remarkable felicities of expression ~ Amos Bronson Alcott

Diamonds are nothing more than chunks of coal that stuck to their jobs ~ Malcolm Forbes

Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives ~ Sue Murphy

Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him ~ John Barrymore

Discovery consists of seeing what everybody has seen and thinking what nobody has thought ~ Albert Szent-Gyorgyi

Disobedience, in the eyes of anyone who has read history, is man's original virtue. It is through disobedience and rebellion that progress has been made ~ Oscar Wilde

Do not condemn the judgement of another because it differs from your own. You may both be wrong ~ Dandemis

Do not do unto others as you would that they should do unto you. Their tastes may not be the same ~ George Bernard Shaw

Do not fear to be eccentric in opinion, for every opinion now accepted was once eccentric ~ Bertrand Russell

Do not look back in anger, or forward in fear, but around in awareness ~ James Thurber

Do not think by infection, catching an opinion like a cold

Do not worry about your difficulties in Mathematics. I can assure you mine are still greater ~ Albert Einstein

Do one thing every day that scares you ~ Eleanor Rooselvelt

Do you realize if it weren't for Edison we'd be watching TV by candlelight? ~ Al Boliska

Don't accept rides from strange men, and remember that all men are strange ~ Robin Morgan

Don't be afraid of opposition. Remember that a kite rises against - not with - the wind ~ Author Hamilton Wright Mabie

Don't bend; don't water it down; don't try to make it logical; don't edit your own soul according to the fashion. Rather, follow your most intense obsessions mercilessly ~ Franz Kafka

Don't knock the weather. If it didn't change once in a while, nine out of ten people couldn't start a conversation ~ Kin Hubbard

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something ~ Pancho Villa

Don't make friends who are comfortable to be with. Make friends who will force you to lever yourself up ~ Thomas John Watson

Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist, but you have ceased to live ~ Mark Twain

Don't play stupid with me ... I'm better at it

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things

Don't tell me that man doesn't belong out there. Man belongs wherever he wants to go - and he'll do plenty well when he gets there ~ Wernher Von Braun

Don't try to solve serious matters in the middle of the night ~ Philip K. Dick

Don't wait for the Last Judgement ~ it takes place every day ~ Albert Camus

Don't worry about people stealing an idea. If it's original, you will have to ram it down their throats ~ Howard Aiken

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia ~ Charles M. Schulz

Don't you wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There's one marked 'Brightness,' but it doesn't work ~ Gallagher

Doors don't slam open ~ John Shanahan

Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd ~ Voltaire

Drama is life with the dull bits cut out ~ Alfred Hitchcock

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing ~ Robert Benchley

Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with, that it's compounding a felony ~ Robert Benchley

Drive-in banks were established so most of the cars today could see their real owners ~ E. Joseph Cossman

Duct tape is like The Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together ... ~ Carl Zwanzig

Due to the lack of experienced trumpeters, the end of the world has been postponed for three weeks

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it ~ W. Somerset Maugham

1 | A | B | C | D | E | F | G | H | I | J | K | L | M | N | O | P | Q | R | S | T | U | V | W | Y | Z

E

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems ~ Rene Descartes

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines ~ John Benfield

Earnestness is stupidity sent to college ~ P.J. O'Rourke

Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day ~ unknown

Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists ~ John Kenneth Galbraith

Economy is idealism in its most practical form ~ Calvin Coolidge

Editor: a person employed by a newspaper, whose business it is to separate the wheat from the chaff, and to see that the chaff is printed ~ Elbert Hubbard

Education is a method whereby one acquires a higher grade of prejudices ~ Laurence J. Peter

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance ~ Will Durant

Education is a state-controlled manufactory of echoes ~ Norman Douglas

Education is not preparation for life, education is life itself ~ John Dewey

Education is not the filling of a pail, but the lighting of a fire ~ William Butler Yeats

Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper or your self-confidence ~ Robert Frost

Education's purpose is to replace an empty mind with an open one ~ Malcolm Forbes

Efficiency is intelligent laziness ~ anonymous

Egotism is the anesthetic that dulls the pain of stupidity ~ Frank Leahy

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe ~ Jackie Mason

Either I've been missing something or nothing has been going on ~ Karen Elizabeth Gordon

Elections are won by men and women chiefly because most people vote against somebody rather than for somebody ~ Franklin P. Adams

Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking ~ Dave Barry

Equations are the devil's sentences ~ Stephen Colbert

Estimated amount of glucose used by an adult human brain each day, expressed in M&Ms: 250 ~ Harper's Index

Eternity is not something that begins after you are dead. It is going on all the time. We are in it now ~ Charlotte P. Gilman

Ethics are so annoying. I avoid them on principle ~ Darby Conley

Even if I knew that tomorrow the world would go to pieces, I would still plant my apple tree ~ Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak it to? ~ Clarence Darrow

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there ~ Will Rogers

Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better ~ Samuel Beckett

Every great advance in natural knowledge has involved the absolute rejection of authority ~ Thomas H. Huxley

Every hero becomes a bore at last ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Every increased possession loads us with new weariness ~ John Ruskin

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it ~ Russel Lynes

Every man has a right to his opinion, but no man has a right to be wrong in his facts ~ Bernard Mannes Baruch

Every man is wise when attacked by a mad dog; fewer when pursued by a mad woman; only the wisest survive when attacked by a mad notion ~ Robertson Davies

Everybody believes in something and everybody, by virtue of the fact that they believe in something, use that something to support their own existence ~ Frank Zappa

Everybody gets so much information all day long that they lose their common sense ~ Gertrude Stein

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them ~ P.J. O'Rourke

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter because nobody listens ~ Nick Diamos

Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money ~ Arthur Miller

Everybody tells jokes, but we still need comedians ~ Jimmy Wales

Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television ~ David Letterman

Everyone is a genius at least once a year. The real geniuses simply have their bright ideas closer together ~ Georg Christoph Lichtenberg

Everyone is as God has made him, and oftentimes a great deal worse ~ Miguel de Cervantes

Everyone is born with genius, but most people only keep it a few minutes ~ Edgard Varese

Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege ~ unknown

Everyone rises to their level of incompetence ~ Laurence J. Peter

Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself ~ Leo Tolstoy

Everyone wants to be Cary Grant. Even I want to be Cary Grant ~ Cary Grant

Everything in the world may be endured except continued prosperity ~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else ~ Will Rogers

Everything is in a state of flux, including the status quo ~ Robert Byrne

Everything is vague to a degree you do not realize till you have tried to make it precise ~ Bertrand Russell

Everything of importance has been said before by somebody who did not discover it ~ Alfred North Whitehead

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a best-seller that could have been prevented by a good teacher ~ Flannery O'Connor

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time ~ Steven Wright

Examinations are formidable even to the best prepared, for the greatest fool may ask more than the wisest man can answer ~ Charles Caleb Colton

Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from acquiring the deadening effect of habit ~ W. Somerset Maugham

Exercise relieves stress. Nothing relieves exercise ~ Takayuki Ikkaku, Arisa Hosaka and Toshihiro Kawabata

Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills ~ Minna Antrim

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again ~ Franklin P. Jones

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone ~ unknown

Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice. Moderation in the pursuit of justice is no virtue ~ Barry Morris Goldwater

1 | A | B | C | D | E | F | G | H | I | J | K | L | M | N | O | P | Q | R | S | T | U | V | W | Y | Z

F

Facts are stupid things ~ Ronald Reagan

Facts are the enemy of truth ~ Miguel de Cervantes

Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored ~ Aldous Huxley

Facts have a cruel way of substituting themselves for fancies. There is nothing more remorseless, just as there is nothing more helpful, than truth ~ William C. Redfield

Failure is not the only punishment for laziness; there is also the success of others ~ Jules Renard

Faith is a cop-out. If the only way you can accept an assertion is by faith, then you are conceding that it can't be taken on its own merits ~ Dan Barker

Faith is, at one and the same time, absolutely necessary and altogether impossible ~ Stanislaw Lem

Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable ~ HL Mencken

Faithless is he that says farewell when the road darkens ~ J. R. Tolkien

Familiarity breeds contempt - and children ~ Mark Twain

Famous remarks are very seldom quoted correctly ~ Simeon Strunsky

Fanaticism is ... overcompensation for doubt ~ Robertson Davies

Far from idleness being the root of all evil, it is rather the only true good ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Fashion is something that goes in one year and out the other ~ unknown

Fear not for the future, weep not for the past ~ Percy Bysshe Shelley

Feeling good about government is like looking on the bright side of any catastrophe. When you quit looking on the bright side, the catastrophe is still there ~ P.J. O'Rourke

Few people are capable of expressing with equanimity opinions which differ from the prejudices of their social environment. Most people are even incapable of forming such opinions ~ Albert Einstein

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example ~ Mark Twain

Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own ~ Doug Larson

Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't ~ Mark Twain

Finance is the art of passing money from hand to hand until it finally disappears ~ Robert W. Sarnoff

Finishing second in the Olympics gets you silver. Finishing second in politics gets you oblivion ~ Richard Nixon

First love is a kind of vaccination which saves a man from catching the complaint a second time ~ Honore de Balzac

First ponder. Then dare ~ Helmuth Von Moltke

First secure an independent income, then practice virtue ~ Greek Proverb

First things first, but not necessarily in that order ~ Doctor Who

First you're an unknown, then you write one book and you move up to obscurity ~ Martin Myers

Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is ~ PJ O'Rourke

Flattery is the infantry of negotiation ~ Lord Chandos

Fools rush in where fools have been before ~ unknown

Football is a mistake. It combines the two worst elements of American life. Violence and committee meetings ~ George F. Will

For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, please press three ~ Alice Kahn

For a successful technology, reality must take precedence over public relations, for Nature cannot be fooled ~ Richard Feynman

For all our conceits about being the center of the universe, we live in a routine planet of a humdrum star stuck away in an obscure corner ... on an unexceptional galaxy which is one of about 100 billion galaxies. That is the fundamental fact of the universe we inhabit, and it is very good for us to understand that ~ Carl Sagan

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing ~ H. L. Mencken

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism

For every person who wants to teach there are approximately thirty people who don't want to learn, much ~ WC Sellar and RJ Yeatman

For most of history, anonymous was a woman ~ Virginia Woolf

For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off ~ Johnny Carson

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names ~ John F. Kennedy

Formerly, when religion was strong and science weak, men mistook magic for medicine; now, when science is strong and religion weak, men mistake medicine for magic ~ Thomas Szasz

Fortune can, for her pleasure, fools advance, / And toss them on the wheels of Chance ~ Juvenal

Fortune does not change men, it unmasks them ~ Suzanne Necker

Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting ~ Alan Dean Foster

Friendly fire isn't

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate ~ Thomas Jones

Friendship with oneself is all-important, because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck ~ George Carlin

From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend on reading it ~ Groucho Marx

1 | A | B | C | D | E | F | G | H | I | J | K | L | M | N | O | P | Q | R | S | T | U | V | W | Y | Z

G

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped ~ Elbert Hubbard

Get all the fools on your side and you can be elected to anything ~ Frank Dane

Get the facts, or the facts will get you. And when you get them, get them right, or they will get you wrong ~ Dr. Thomas Fuller

Getting caught is the mother of invention ~ Robert Byrne

Girls are always running through my mind. They don't dare walk ~ Andy Gibb

Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Give a fish a man, and he'll eat for weeks! ~ Takayuki Ikkaku, Arisa Hosaka and Toshihiro Kawabata

Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you're a consultant ~ Scott Adams

Give me the luxuries of life and I will willingly do without the necessities ~ Frank Lloyd Wright

Giving money and power to government is like giving whisky and car keys to teenage boys ~ P.J. O'Rourke

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever ~ Napoleon Bonaparte

Go ahead and laugh out loud. Half of the people who hear you will laugh with you - the other half will wonder what you're up to ~ Carrie Gering

God help those who do not help themselves ~ Wilson Mizner

God is not dead but alive and well and working on a much less ambitious project ~ anonymous

God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through ~ Paul Valery

God made the world round so we would never be able to see too far down the road ~ Isak Dinesen

God never meant for pictures to fly through the air ~ CBC Radio's Promo Girl

God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday ~ Sir William Bragg

Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at ~ Jimmy Demaret

Golf combines two favourite American pastimes: Taking long walks and hitting things with a stick ~ P.J. O'Rourke

Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example ~ Francois de La Rochefoucauld

Good judgment comes from experience, and experience - well, that comes from poor judgment ~ A.A. Milne

Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment ~ Barry LePatner

Good people are good because they've come to wisdom through failure ~ William Saroyan

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws ~ Plato

Good poets borrow; great poets steal ~ T. S. Eliot

Government is too big and too important to be left to the politicians ~ Chester Bowles

Gratitude is merely the secret hope of further favours ~ Francois de La Rochefoucauld

Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, small minds discuss people ~ Admiral Hyman G. Rickover or Eleanor Roosevelt

Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine ~ Fran Lebowitz

Great souls endure in silence ~ Friedrich von Schiller

Great things are not done by impulse, but by a series of small things brought together ~ Vincent van Gogh

Great thoughts reduced to practice become great acts ~ William Hazlit

Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with ~ Mark Twain

Growing old is no more than a bad habit which a busy man has no time to form ~ Andre Maurois

Grown-ups never understand anything for themselves, and it is tiresome for children to be always and forever explaining things to them ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery

1 | A | B | C | D | E | F | G | H | I | J | K | L | M | N | O | P | Q | R | S | T | U | V | W | Y | Z

H

Half of the modern drugs could well be thrown out of the window, except that the birds might eat them ~ Dr. Martin Henry Fischer

Half the money I spend on advertising is wasted; the trouble is I don't know which half ~ John Wanamaker

Ham and eggs - a day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig

Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted ~ Fred Allen

Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know ~ Ernest Hemingway

Happiness is an imaginary condition, formerly often attributed by the living to the dead, now usually attributed by adults to children, and by children to adults ~ Thomas Szasz

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city ~ George Burns

Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory ~ Albert Schweitzer

Happiness isn't something you experience, it's something you remember ~ Oscar Levant

Happiness makes up in height for what it lacks in length ~ Robert Frost

Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way ~ Leo Tolstoy

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? ~ Edgar Bergen

Have the courage to be ignorant of a great number of things, in order to avoid the calamity of being ignorant of everything ~ Sydney Smith

Have you ever observed that we pay much more attention to a wise passage when it is quoted than when we read it in the original author? - - Philip G. Hamerton

He attacked everything in life with a mix of extraordinary genius and naive incompetence, and it was often difficult to tell which was which ~ Douglas Adams

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know ~ Abraham Lincoln

He declares himself guilty who justifies himself before accusation ~ anonymous

He had delusions of adequacy ~ Walter Kerr

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire ~ Winston Churchill

He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary ~ William Faulkner speaking of Ernest Hemingway

He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends ~ Oscar Wilde

He has Van Gogh's ear for music ~ Billy Wilder

He hasn't an enemy in the world - but all his friends hate him ~ Eddie Cantor

He is a self-made man and worships his creator ~ John Bright

He is indebted to his memory for his jests and to his imagination for his facts ~ Richard Brinsley Sheridan

He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others ~ Samuel Johnson

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death ~ Saki

He knows all about art, but he doesn't know what he likes ~ James Thurber

He loves nature in spite of what it did to him ~ Forrest Tucker

He may be mad, but there's method in his madness. There nearly always is method in madness. It's what drives men mad, being methodical ~ GK Chesterton

He talked with more claret than clarity ~ Susan Ertz

He was a chef who only knew two recipes: failure and disaster

He was a genius - that is to say, a man who does superlatively and without obvious effort something that most people cannot do by the uttermost exertion of their abilities ~ Robertson Davies

He was one of those men who think that the world can be saved by writing a pamphlet ~ Benjamin Disraeli

He who breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom ~ J. R. R. Tolkien

He who can, does. He who cannot, teaches ~ George Bernard Shaw

He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster. And when you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss also gazes into you ~ Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

He who hesitates is a damned fool ~ Mae West

He who is most creative conceals his sources the best

He who minds his own business is never unemployed

He who praises you for what you lack wishes to take from you what you have ~ Don Juan Manuel

He who will not reason is a bigot; he who cannot is a fool; and he who dares not is a slave ~ Sir William Drummond

He wrapped himself in quotations - as a beggar would enfold himself in the purple of Emperors ~ Rudyard Kipling

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing ~ Redd Foxx

Hegel was right when he said that we learn from history that man can never learn anything from history ~ George Bernard Shaw

Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned ~ Milton Friedman

Hell is full of musical amateurs ~ George Bernard Shaw

Hello seeker! Now don't feel alone here in the New Age, because there's a seeker born every minute ~ Firesign Theatre

Here's a rule I recommend: Never practice two vices at once ~ Tallulah Bankhead

Heroing is one of the shortest-lived professions there is ~ Will Rogers

He's simply got the instinct for being unhappy highly developed ~ Saki

He's the kind of a guy who lights up a room just by flicking a switch ~ unknown

He's turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he's miserable and depressed ~ David Frost

Hesitation is the leading cause of roadkill ~ unknown

Hindsight is always twenty-twenty ~ Billy Wilder

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy ~ Woody Allen

His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork ~ Mae West

Historians are like deaf people who go on answering questions that no one has asked them ~ Leo Tolstoy

History is indeed little more than the register of the crimes, follies and misfortunes of mankind ~ Edward Gibbon

History is the record of an encounter between character and circumstances ~ Donald Creighton

History is the short trudge from Adam to atom ~ Leonard Louis Levinson

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it ~ Sir Winston Churchill

History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, however, if faced with courage, need not be lived again ~ Maya Angelou

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law ~ Douglas Hofstadter

Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars ~ Fred Allen

Hollywood is a place where they place you under contract instead of under observation ~ Walter Winchell

Hollywood is a place where they'll pay you a thousand dollars for a kiss and fifty cents for your soul ~ Marilyn Monroe

Home computers are being called upon to perform many new functions, including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog ~ Doug Larson

Home is not where you live but where they understand you ~ Christion Morgenstern

Home life as we understand it is no more natural to us than a cage is to a cockatoo ~ George Bernard Shaw

Honesty is a good thing, but it is not profitable to its possessor unless it is kept under control ~ Don Marquis

Honesty is the best image ~ Tom Wilson

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy ~ George Carlin

Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people ~ Kin Hubbard

Hope is tomorrow's veneer over today's disappointment ~ Evan Esar

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people ~ WC Fields

Household tasks are easier and quicker when they are done by somebody else ~ James Thorpe

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter? ~ Woody Allen

How can you govern a country which has 246 varieties of cheese? ~ Charles De Gaulle

How hard it is, sometimes, to trust the evidence of one's senses! How reluctantly the mind consents to reality ~ Norman Douglas

How much easier it is to be critical than to be correct ~ Benjamin Disraeli

How my achievements mock me! ~ William Shakespeare

Howard Hughes was able to afford the luxury of madness, like a man who not only thinks he is Napoleon but hires an army to prove it ~ Ted Morgan

Human beings are seventy percent water, and with some the rest is collagen ~ Martin Mull

Human beings are the only creatures who are able to behave irrationally in the name of reason ~ Ashley Montagu

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so ~ Douglas Adams

Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted ~ Martin Luther King Jr.

Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober, responsible, and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and immature ~ Tom Robbins

Humanity is acquiring all the right technology for all the wrong reasons ~ R. Buckminster Fuller

Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose -with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs ~ P.J. O'Rourke

Humility is the embarrassment you feel when you tell people how wonderful you are ~ Laurence J. Peter

Humor can be dissected as a frog can, but the thing dies in the process and the innards are discouraging to any but the pure scientific mind ~ E. B. White

Humor is everywhere, in that there's irony in just about anything a human does ~ Bill Nye

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit ~ Aristotle

1 | A | B | C | D | E | F | G | H | I | J | K | L | M | N | O | P | Q | R | S | T | U | V | W | Y | Z

I

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake ~ which I also keep handy ~ WC Fields

I am a deeply superficial person ~ Andy Warhol

I am a kind of paranoiac in reverse. I suspect people of plotting to make me happy ~ JD Salinger

I am a Marxist~of the Groucho tendency ~ anonymous

I am against using death as a punishment. I am also against using it as a reward ~ Stanislaw J. Lec

I am always doing that which I can not do, in order that I may learn how to do it ~ Pablo Picasso

I am an idealist. I don't know where I am going, but I am on my way ~ Carl Sandburg

I am certain there is too much certainty in the world ~ Michael Crichton

I am not in this world to live up to other people's expectations, nor do I feel that the world must live up to mine ~ Fritz Perls

I am not young enough to know everything ~ Oscar Wilde

I am prepared to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter ~ Sir Winston Churchill

I am somebody. I am me. I like being me. And I need nobody to make me somebody ~ Louis L'Amour

I am the inferior of any man whose rights I trample underfoot ~ Horace Greele

I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers ~ Mahatma Gandhi

I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it ~ Garrison Keillor

I believe that all government is evil, and that trying to improve it is largely a waste of time ~ HL Mencken

I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies ~ Thomas Jefferson

I believe that people would be alive today if there were a death penalty ~ Nancy Reagan

I believe that professional wrestling is clean and everything else in the world is fixed ~ Frank Deford

I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change ~ Dan Quayle

I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat ~ Will Rogers

I can believe anything, provided that it is quite incredible ~ Oscar Wilde

I can forgive Alfred Nobel for having invented dynamite, but only a fiend in human form could have invented the Nobel Prize ~ George Bernard Shaw

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it ~ Jack Handey

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty ~ George Burns

I can think of nothing more boring for the American people than to have to sit in their living rooms for a whole half hour looking at my face on their television screens ~ Dwight D. Eisenhower

I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland ~ Woody Allen

I can't understand it. I can't even understand the people who can understand it ~ Queen Juliana

I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars ~ Fred Allen

I choose my friends for their good looks, my acquaintances for their good characters, and my enemies for their intellects. A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies ~ Oscar Wilde

I could prove God statistically ~ George Gallup

I despise the pleasure of pleasing people that I despise ~ Lady Mary Wortley Montagu

I detest life-insurance agents; they always argue that I shall some day die, which is not so ~ Stephen Leacock

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it ~ Mark Twain

I didn't really say everything I said ~ Yogi Berra

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink ~ Joe E. Lewis

I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear ~ Woody Allen

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them ~ Isaac Asimov

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use ~ Galileo Galilei

I do not know which makes a man more conservative-to know nothing but the present, or nothing but the past ~ John Maynard Keynes

I do not take a single newspaper, nor read one a month, and I feel myself infinitely the happier for it ~ Thomas Jefferson

I do not want people to be agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them ~ Jane Austen

I don't care what it is, when it has an LCD screen, it makes it better ~ Kevin Rose

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either ~ Jack Benny

I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks ~ Groucho Marx

I don't have an English accent because this is what English sounds like when spoken properly ~ James Carr

I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve ~ JRR Tolkien

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts ~ Will Rogers

I don't mind what language an opera is sung in so long as it is a language I don't understand ~ Sir Edward Appleton

I don't necessarily agree with everything I say ~ Marshall McLuhan

I don't really trust a sane person ~ Lyle Alzado

I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs ~ Samuel Goldwyn

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it through not dying ~ Woody Allen

I finally figured out the only reason to be alive is to enjoy it ~ Rita Mae Brown

I find it rather easy to portray a businessman. Being bland, rather cruel and incompetent comes naturally to me ~ John Cleese

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book ~ Groucho Marx

I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it ~ Mae West

I get a lot of cracks about my hair, mostly from men who don't have any ~ Ann Richards

I get up every morning determined to both change the world and have one hell of a good time. Sometimes this makes planning my day difficult ~ EB White

I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from ~ Eddie Izzard

I had a monumental idea this morning, but I didn't like it ~ Samuel Goldwyn

I had amnesia once ... or twice ~ unknown

I had grown tired of standing in the lean and lonely front line facing the greatest enemy that ever confronted man - public opinion ~ Clarence Seward Darrow

I hate life, I hate death and everything in between just doesn't interest me ~ Chris Rapier

I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them, and I know how bad I am ~ Joseph Baretti

I hate music, especially when it's played ~ Jimmy Durante

I hate quotations. Tell me what you know ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

I hate television. I hate it as much as I hate peanuts. But I can't stop eating peanuts ~ Orson Welles

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me ~ Hunter S. Thompson

I hated every minute of training, but I said, Don't quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion ~ Muhammad Ali

I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time ~ Charles M. Schulz

I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died ~ Richard Diran

I have a theory that the truth is never told during the nine-to-five hours ~ Hunter S. Thompson

I have always felt that a politician is to be judged by the animosities he excites among his opponents ~ Sir Winston Churchill

I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened ~ Mark Twain

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth ~ Umberto Eco

I have come to the conclusion that politics are too serious a matter to be left to the politicians ~ Charles De Gaulle

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something ~ Jackie Mason

I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it ~ Harry S Truman

I have learned to use the word 'impossible' with the greatest caution ~ Wernher von Braun

I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting ~ Ronald Reagan

I have long been of the opinion that if work were such a splendid thing the rich would have kept more of it for themselves ~ Bruce Grocott

I have lost friends, some by death... others through sheer inability to cross the street ~ Virginia Woolf

I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure ~ Clarence Darrow

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education ~ Mark Twain

I have never met a man so ignorant that I couldn't learn something from him ~ Galileo Galilei

I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting ~ Mark Twain

I have no use for men who fail. The cause of their failure is no business of mine, but I want successful men as my associates ~ John Davison Rockefeller

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work ~ Thomas Alva Edison

I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere ~ Unknown

I have noted that persons with bad judgment are most insistent that we do what they think best ~ Lionel Abe

I have often depended on the blindness of strangers ~ Adrienne E. Gusoff

I have opinions of my own ~ strong opinions ~ but I don't always agree with them ~ George Bush

I have read your book and much like it ~ Moses Hadas

I have the heart of a child. I keep it in a jar on my shelf ~ Robert Bloch

I have too much respect for the idea of God to make it responsible for such an absurd world ~ Georges Duhamel

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I hope our wisdom will grow with our power, and teach us, that the less we use our power the greater it will be ~ Thomas Jefferson

I improve on misquotation ~ Cary Grant

I intend to live forever. So far, so good ~ Steven Wright

I just need enough to tide me over until I need more ~ Bill Hoest

I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming ~ Mitch Hedberg

I know nothing about sex because I was always married ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

I know of no method to secure the repeal of bad or obnoxious laws so effective as their stringent execution ~ Ulysses S. Grant

I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that! ~ Tom Lehrer

I know that you believe that you understood what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant ~ Robert McCloskey

I know who I am. No one else knows who I am. If I was a giraffe, and someone said I was a snake, I'd think, no, actually I'm a giraffe ~ Richard Gere

I like life. It's something to do ~ Ronnie Shakes

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me ~ Noel Coward

I like persons better than principles, and I like persons with no principles better than anything else in the world ~ Oscar Wilde

I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals ~ Sir Winston Churchill

I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours ~ Jerome K. Jerome

I look at what the phone company does and do the opposite ~ Craig Newmark

I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life ~ George Burns

I look upon every day to be lost, in which I do not make a new acquaintance ~ Samuel Johnson

I love being a writer. What I can't stand is the paperwork ~ Peter De Vries

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I've ever known ~ Walt Disney

I love quotations because it is a joy to find thoughts one might have, beautifully expressed with much authority by someone recognized wiser than oneself ~ Marlene Dietrich

I may look 60 ~ but I'm actually 18 with 42 years of experience ~ unknown

I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be ~ Douglas Adams

I myself am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions ~ Augusten Burroughs

I never did give them hell. I just told the truth, and they thought it was hell ~ Harry S Truman

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception ~ Groucho Marx

I never guess. It is a capital mistake to theorize before one has data. Insensibly one begins to twist facts to suit theories, instead of theories to suit facts ~ Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

I never know how much of what I say is true ~ Bette Midler

I never put on a pair of shoes until I've worn them at least five years ~ Samuel Goldwyn

I never think of the future - it comes soon enough ~ Albert Einstein

I no longer prepare food or drink with more than one ingredient ~ Cyra McFadden

I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation ~ George Bernard Shaw

I once said cynically of a politician, 'He'll doublecross that bridge when he comes to it.' ~ Oscar Levant

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays ~ Henny Youngman

I passionately hate the idea of being with it, I think an artist has always to be out of step with his time ~ Orson Welles

I phoned my dad to tell him I had stopped smoking. He called me a quitter ~ Steven Pearl

I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it ~ unknown

I prefer the company of peasants because they have not been educated sufficiently to reason incorrectly ~ Michel de Montaigne

I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back ~ Richard Lewis

I say that a man must be certain of his morality for the simple reason that he has to suffer for it ~ GK Chesterton

I see the mind of the 5-year-old as a volcano with two vents: destructiveness and creativeness ~ Sylvia Ashton-Warner

I shall never be ashamed of citing a bad author if the line is good ~ Seneca

I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck ~ Graffito

I spent a lot of money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I just squandered ~ George Best

I stand by all the misstatements that I've made ~ Dan Quayle

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph ~ Shirley Temple

I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home ~ Robert Orben

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back ~ Henny Youngman

I tend to live in the past because most of my life is there ~ Herb Caen

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal ~ Woody Allen

I think age is a very high price to pay for maturity ~ Tom Stoppard

I think computer viruses should count as life. I think it says something about human nature that the only form of life we have created so far is purely destructive. We've created life in our own image ~ Stephen Hawking

I think it is good that books still exist, but they do make me sleepy ~ Frank Zappa

I think it would be a good idea ~ Mahatma Gandhi

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately ~ George Carlin

I think on-stage nudity is disgusting, shameful and damaging to all things American. But if I were 22 with a great body, it would be artistic, tasteful, patriotic and a progressive religious experience ~ Shelley Winters

I think Superman should go on the Larry King show and announce that he would come back to life if people in all 50 states wanted him to ~ Dave Barry

I think that God in creating Man somewhat overestimated his ability ~ Oscar Wilde

I think that one possible definition of our modern culture is that it is one in which nine-tenths of our intellectuals can't read any poetry ~ Randall Jarrell

I think the world is run by 'C' students ~ Al McGuire

I think there is only one quality worse than hardness of heart, and that is softness of head ~ Theodore Roosevelt

I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him ~ Mark Twain

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian ~ unknown

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet ~ Rodney Dangerfield

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places ~ Henny Youngman

I took a speed reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia ~ Woody Allen

I touch the future. I teach ~ Christa McAuliffe

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure

I used to go missing a lot ... Miss Canada, Miss United Kingdom, Miss World ~ George Best

I used to wake up at 4 A.M. and start sneezing, sometimes for five hours. I tried to find out what sort of allergy I had but finally came to the conclusion that it must be an allergy to consciousness ~ James Thurber

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight ~ Rita Rudner

I was always taught to respect my elders and I've now reached the age when I don't have anybody to respect ~ George Burns

I was born not knowing and have had only a little time to change that here and there ~ Richard Feynman

I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought: What the hell good would that do? ~ Ronnie Shakes

I was really too honest a man to be a politician and live ~ Socrates

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out ~ Steven Wright

I wasn't lost, it's just that no one could find me ~ Billy Connelly

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what? ~ unknown

I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up ~ Tom Lehrer

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult ~ Rita Rudner

I wonder what it means when your grandson is more crotchety than you are ~ Aaron McGruder

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong ~ Bertrand Russell

I would rather be a coward than brave because people hurt you when you are brave ~ EM Forster

I would rather be exposed to the inconveniences attending too much liberty than to those attending too small a degree of it ~ Thomas Jefferson

I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief ~ Gerry Spence

I write down everything I want to remember. That way, instead of spending a lot of time trying to remember what it is I wrote down, I spend the time looking for the paper I wrote it down on ~ Beryl Pfizer

Idealism increases in direct proportion to one's distance from the problem ~ John Galsworthy

Idealism is what precedes experience; cynicism is what follows ~ David T. Wolf

Idleness is not doing nothing. Idleness is being free to do anything ~ Floyd Dell

Idleness is sweet, and its consequences are cruel ~ John Quincy Adams

If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the significance of a clean desk? ~ Laurence J. Peter

If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warmer ~ Alfred North Whitehead

If a kid ever asks you how Santa Claus can live forever, I think a good answer is that he drinks blood ~ Jack Handey

If a man will begin with certainties, he shall end in doubts; but if he will be content to begin with doubts he shall end in certainties ~ Sir Francis Bacon

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, does absolute powerlessness make you pure? - - Harry Shearer

If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error ~ John Kenneth Galbraith

If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised ~ Dorothy Parker

If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves there wouldn't be enough to go around ~ Christina Stead

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried

If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything ~ Bill Lyon

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not your sport

If Beethoven had been killed in a plane crash at the age of 22, it would have changed the history of music ... and of aviation ~ Tom Stoppard

If everything seems under control, you're not going fast enough ~ Mario Andretti

If God had really intended men to fly, He'd make it easier to get to the airport ~ George Winters

If God lived on earth, people would break his windows ~ Jewish Proverb

If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets ~ Mel Brooks

If history repeats itself, and the unexpected always happens, how incapable must Man be of learning from experience! ~ George Bernard Shaw

If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive ~ Samuel Goldwyn

If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner ~ Tallulah Bankhead

If I have seen further it is by standing on the shoulders of giants ~ Isaac Newton

If I only had a little humility, I'd be perfect ~ Ted Turner

If I were to begin life again, I should want it as it was. I would only open my eyes a little bit more ~ Jules Renard

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? - - Abraham Lincoln

If it were not for hopes, the heart would break ~ Thomas Fuller

If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners ~ Johnny Carson

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little ~ George Carlin

If knowledge can create problems, it is not through ignorance that we can solve them ~ Isaac Asimov

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead ~ Johnny Carson

If little else, the brain is an educational toy ~ Tom Robbins

If living conditions don't stop improving in this country, we're going to run out of humble beginnings for our great men ~ Russell P. Askue

If man does find the solution for world peace it will be the most revolutionary reversal of his record we have ever known ~ George C. Marshall

If men could only know each other, they would neither idolize nor hate ~ Elbert Hubbard

If men were angels, no government would be necessary ~ James Madison

If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood. I'd type a little faster ~ Isaac Asimov

If nobody spoke unless he had something to say, the human race would very soon lose the use of speech ~ W. Somerset Maugham

If not actually disgruntled, he was far from being gruntled ~ PG Wodehouse

If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: President Can't Swim ~ Lyndon B. Johnson

If only we'd stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time ~ Edith Wharton

If parents would only realize how they bore their children. ~ G.B. Shaw

If people never did silly things, nothing intelligent would ever get done ~ Ludwig Wittgenstein

If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the physical world. One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker entirely by the use of the mathematics of probability ~ Vannevar Bush

If slaughterhouses had glass walls, everyone would be a vegetarian ~ Paul McCartney

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside ~ Robert X. Cringely

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a zyear, killing everyone inside ~ Robert X. Cringely

If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts ~ Albert Einstein

If the fans don't wanna come out to the ballpark, no one can stop 'em ~ Yogi Berra

If the human mind was simple enough to understand, we'd be too simple to understand it ~ Emerson Pugh

If the phone doesn't ring, it's me ~ Jimmy Buffett

If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can't be done ~ Peter Ustinov

If the world were a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle ~ unknown

If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions? ~ Scott Adams

If there is anything more dangerous to the life of the mind than having no independent commitment to ideas, it is having an excess of commitment to some special and constricting idea ~ Richard Hofstadter

If there were no God, there would be no Atheists ~ G. K. Chesterton

If there's anything unsettling to the stomach, it's watching actors on television talk about their personal lives ~ Marlon Brando

If there's one thing Canadians hate more than wrong-doing, it's those who expose it ~ unknown

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee ~ Abraham Lincoln

If time flies when you're having fun, it hits the afterburners when you don't think you're having enough ~ Jef Mallett

If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is doing the thinking ~ Lyndon B. Johnson

If we couldn't laugh, we would all go insane ~ Jimmy Buffett

If we don't change direction soon, we'll end up where we're going ~ Professor Irwin Corey

If we don't expect, we have all things ~ Buddha

If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure ~ anonymous

If we were not all so interested in ourselves, life would be so uninteresting that none of us would be able to endure it ~ Arthur Schopenhauer

If winning isn't everything, why do they keep score? ~ Vince Lombardi

If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor. If an elephant has its foot on the tail of a mouse and you say that you are neutral, the mouse will not appreciate your neutrality ~ Desmond Tutu

If you are not criticized, you may not be doing much ~ Donald H. Rumsfeld

If you are young and you drink a great deal, it will spoil your health, slow your mind, make you fat -in other words, turn you into an adult ~ P.J. O'Rourke

If you can find something everyone agrees on, it's wrong ~ Mo Udall

If you can give your son or daughter only one gift, let it be enthusiasm ~ Bruce Barton

If you cannot convince them, confuse them ~ Harry S Truman

If you don't know what to do, call the media and at least give the appearance of doing something ~ David Peterson

If you don't know where you are going, you will probably end up somewhere else ~ Laurence J. Peter

If you don't know where you're going, all roads will lead you there ~ unknown

If you don't make mistakes, you aren't really trying ~ Coleman Hawking

If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt ~ Dean Martin

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging ~ Will Rogers

If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of yourself. What isn't part of ourselves doesn't disturb us ~ Hermann Hesse

If you have any doubts that we live in a society controlled by men, try reading down the index of contributors to a volume of quotations, looking for women's names ~ Elaine Gill

If you have knowledge, let others light their candles in it ~ Margaret Fuller

If you haven't found something strange during the day, it hasn't been much of a day ~ John A. Wheeler

If you let other people do it for you, they will do it to you ~ Robert Anthony

If you limit your actions in life to things that nobody can possibly find fault with, you will not do much ~ Charles Lutwidge Dodgson

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age ~ George Burns

If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you. But if you really make them think, they'll hate you ~ Don Marquis

If you notice that a person is deceiving you, they must not be deceiving you very well.

If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun ~ Katharine Hepburn

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man ~ Mark Twain

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow ennobled and no-one dares criticize it ~ Pierre Gallois

If you say a modern celebrity is an adulterer, a pervert and a drug addict, all it means is that you've read his autobiography ~ P.J. O'Rourke

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer? ~ Steven Wright

If you stay in Beverly Hills too long you become a Mercedes ~ Robert Redford

If you steal from one author, it's plagiarism; if you steal from many, it's research ~ Wilson Mizne

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything ~ Mark Twain

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to ~ Dorothy Parker

If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf ~ Bob Hope

If you would be a real seeker after truth, it is necessary that at least once in your life you doubt, as far as possible, all things ~ Rene Descartes

If your parents never had children, chances are you won't, either ~ Dick Cavett

If you're not a myth, then whose reality are you?

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate ~ Henry J. Tillman

If you're not scared or angry at the thought of a human brain being controlled remotely, then it could be this prototype of mine is finally starting to work ~ John Alejandro King

Ignorance more frequently begets confidence than does knowledge ~ Charles Darwin

Ignorant men don't know what good they hold in their hands until they've flung it away ~ Sophocles

I'll be more enthusiastic about encouraging thinking outside the box when there's evidence of any thinking going on inside it ~ Terry Pratchett

Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian ~ Robert Orben

Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it ~ Dan Quayle

I'm a born-again atheist ~ Gore Vidal

I'm a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more I have of it ~ Thomas Jefferson

I'm a jerk to everyone. Best way to protect yourself from lawsuits ~ David Hoselton

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters ~ Frank Lloyd Wright

I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

I'm as pure as the driven slush ~ Tallulah Bankhead

I'm convinced there's a small room in the attic of the Foreign Office where future diplomats are taught to stammer ~ Peter Ustinov

I'm glad I didn't have to fight in any war. I'm glad I didn't have to pick up a gun. I'm glad I didn't get killed or kill somebody. I hope my kids enjoy the same lack of manhood ~ Tom Hanks

I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man ~ Fred Allen

I'm going to stay in show business until I'm the last one left ~ George Burns

I'm kind of jealous of the life I'm supposedly leading ~ Zach Braff

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart ~ ee cummings

I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago ~ Will Rogers

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect ~ George Carlin

I'm not sure I want popular opinion on my side ~ I've noticed those with the most opinions often have the fewest facts ~ Bethania McKenstry

I'm seventeen and I'm crazy. My uncle says the two always go together. When people ask your age, he said, always say seventeen and insane ~ Ray Bradbury

I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas? ~ Jean Kerr

I'm too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don't know ~ Garry Shandling

I'm worried that the universe will soon need replacing. It's not holding a charge ~ Edward Chilton

Imagination is more important than knowledge ~ Albert Einstein

Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality ~ Jules de Gaultier

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining ~ Jef Raskin

Imagine what it would be like if TV actually were good. It would be the end of everything we know ~ Marvin Minsky

Imitation is the sincerest form of television ~ Fred Allen

In a country as big as the United States, you can find fifty examples of anything ~ Jeffery F. Chamberlain

In a few minutes a computer can make a mistake so great that it would have taken many men many months to equal it ~ unknown

In a real dark night of the soul it is always three o'clock in the morning, day after day ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald

In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act ~ George Orwell

In all affairs it's a healthy thing now and then to hang a question mark on the things you have long taken for granted ~ Bertrand Russell

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear ~ John C. Dvorak

In all recorded history there has not been one economist who has had to worry about where the next meal would come from ~ Peter Drucker

In America, through pressure of conformity, there is freedom of choice, but nothing to choose from ~ Peter Ustinov

In answer to the question of why it happened, I offer the modest proposal that our Universe is simply one of those things which happen from time to time ~ Edward P. Tryon

In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing. The worst thing you can do is nothing ~ Theodore Roosevelt

In case you're worried about what's going to become of the younger generation, it's going to grow up and start worrying about the younger generation ~ Roger Allen

In democracy it's your vote that counts, In feudalism it's your count that votes ~ Mogens Jallberg

In every American there is an air of incorrigible innocence, which seems to conceal a diabolical cunning ~ AE Housman

In every part and corner of our life, to lose oneself is to be gainer; to forget oneself is to be happy ~ Robert Louis Stevenson

In every work of genius we recognize our own rejected thoughts; they come back to us with a certain alienated majesty ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

In films murders are always very clean. I show how difficult it is and what a messy thing it is to kill a man ~ Alfred Hitchcock

In heaven all the interesting people are missing ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk ~ Rita Rudner

In journalism, there has always been a tension between getting it first and getting it right ~ Ellen Goodman

In literature as in love, we are astonished at what is chosen by others ~ Andre Maurois

In mathematics you don't understand things. You just get used to them ~ Johann von Neumann

In matters of style, swim with the current; in matters of principle, stand like a rock ~ Thomas Jefferson

In Mexico we have a word for sushi: Bait ~ Jose Simon

In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress ~ John Adams

In my sentences I go where no man has gone before ~ George W. Bush

In order for something to become clean, something else must become dirty

In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily ~ Charles Count Talleyrand

In order to discover who you are, first learn who everybody else is; you're what's left

In order to preserve your self-respect, it is sometimes necessary to lie and cheat ~ Robert Byrne

In our era, the road to holiness necessarily passes through the world of action ~ Dag Hammarskjold

In physics, you don't have to go around making trouble for yourself - nature does it for you ~ Frank Wilczek

In politics, absurdity is not a handicap ~ Napoleon Bonaparte

In preparing for battle I have always found that plans are useless, but planning is indispensable ~ Dwight D. Eisenhower

In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra ~ Fran Lebowitz

In real life, unlike in Shakespeare, the sweetness of the rose depends upon the name it bears. Things are not only what they are. They are, in very important respects, what they seem to be ~ Hubert H. Humphrey

In religion and politics, people's beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second hand, and without examination ~ Mark Twain

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite ~ Paul Dirac

In science, 'fact' can only mean 'confirmed to such a degree that it would be perverse to withhold provisional assent.' I suppose that apples might start to rise tomorrow, but the possibility does not merit equal time in physics classrooms ~ Stephen Jay Gould

In the animal kingdom, the rule is, eat or be eaten; in the human kingdom, define or be defined ~ Thomas Szasz

In the beginner's mind there are many possibilities, but in the expert's there are few ~ Shunryu Suzuki

In the end, everything is a gag ~ Charlie Chaplin

In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards ~ Mark Twain

In the future everyone will be famous for fifteen minutes ~ Andy Warhol

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is stoned to death ~ Joan D. Vinge

In the republic of mediocrity genius is dangerous ~ Robert G. Ingersoll

In the United States there is more space where nobody is than where anybody is. That is what makes America what it is ~ Gertrude Stein

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice; In practice, there is ~ Chuck Reid

In these matters the only certainty is that nothing is certain ~ Pliny the Elder

In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on ~ Robert Frost

In times like these, it helps to recall that there have always been times like these ~ Paul Harvey

Inanimate objects are classified scientifically into three major categories - those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost ~ Russell Baker

Include me out ~ Yogi Berra

Indecision may or may not be my problem ~ Jimmy Buffett

Indeed, history is nothing more than a tableau of crimes and misfortunes ~ Voltaire

Indifference, to me, is the epitome of evil ~ Elie Wiesel

Insane people are always sure that they are fine. It is only the sane people who are willing to admit that they are crazy ~ Nora Ephron

Insanity in individuals is something rare - but in groups, parties, nations and epochs, it is the rule ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

Inspiration is wonderful when it happens, but the writer must develop an approach for the rest of the time... The wait is simply too long ~ Leonard Bernstein

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks ~ Doug Larson

Integrity without knowledge is weak and useless, and knowledge without integrity is dangerous and dreadful ~ Samuel Johnson

Intolerance of ambiguity is the mark of an authoritarian personality ~ Theodor Adorno

Invention is the mother of necessity ~ Thorstein Veblen

Irrationally held truths may be more harmful than reasoned errors ~ Thomas H. Huxley

Is fuel efficiency really what we need most desperately? I say that what we really need is a car that can be shot when it breaks down ~ Russell Baker

Is sloppiness in speech caused by ignorance or apathy? I don't know and I don't care ~ William Safire

It all depends on how we look at things, and not how they are in themselves ~ Carl Gustav Jung

It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly American criminal class except Congress ~ Mark Twain

It has always been the prerogative of children and half-wits to point out that the emperor has no clothes. But the half-wit remains a half-wit, and the emperor remains an emperor ~ Neil Gaiman

It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues ~ Abraham Lincoln

It has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all the others that have been tried ~ Sir Winston Churchill

It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have been searching for evidence which could support this ~ Bertrand Russell

It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value ~ Arthur C. Clarke

It is a common delusion that you make things better by talking about them ~ Dame Rose Macaulay

It is a curious thing... that every creed promises a paradise which will be absolutely uninhabitable for anyone of civilized taste ~ Evelyn Waugh

It is a good thing for an uneducated man to read books of quotations ~ Sir Winston Churchill

It is a paradoxical but profoundly true and important principle of life that the most likely way to reach a goal is to be aiming not at that goal itself but at some more ambitious goal beyond it ~ Arnold Toynbee

It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish ~ Aeschylus

It is a very sad thing that nowadays there is so little useless information ~ Oscar Wilde

It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious ~ Oscar Wilde

It is always easier to believe than to deny. Our minds are naturally affirmative ~ John Burroughs

It is always the best policy to speak the truth ~ unless, of course, you are an exceptionally good liar ~ Jerome K. Jerome

It is always the secure who are humble ~ G.K. Chesterton

It is bad luck to be superstitious ~ Andrew W. Mathis

It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be coming up it ~ Henry Allen

It is better to be quotable than to be honest ~ Tom Stoppard

It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not to deserve them - - Mark Twain

It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers ~ James Thurber

It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them ~ Mark Twain

It is by universal misunderstanding that all agree. For if, by ill luck, people understood each other, they would never agree ~ Charles Baudelaire

It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails, admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something ~ Franklin Delano Roosevelt

It is dangerous for a national candidate to say things that people might remember ~ Eugene McCarthy

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong ~ Voltaire

It is difficult to get a man to understand something when his job depends on not understanding it ~ Upton Sinclair

It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them ~ Alfred Adler

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man ~ HL Mencken

It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help ~ Judith Martin

It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them! ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed ~ Theodore Roosevelt

It is important that students bring a certain ragamuffin, barefoot, irreverence to their studies; they are not here to worship what is known, but to question it ~ Jacob Bronowski

It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument ~ William G. McAdoo

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune ~ Woody Allen

It is impossible to imagine Goethe or Beethoven being good at billiards or golf ~ HL Mencken

It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off ~ Woody Allen

It is no good to try to stop knowledge from going forward. Ignorance is never better than knowledge ~ Enrico Fermi

It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society ~ Krishnamurti

It is not a bad idea to get in the habit of writing down one's thoughts. It saves one having to bother anyone else with them ~ Isabel Colegate

It is not a bad thing that children should occasionally, and politely, put parents in their place ~ Sidonie Gabrielle Colette

It is not enough to have a good mind. The main thing is to use it well ~ Rene Descartes

It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail ~ Gore Vidal

It is not in the stars to hold our destiny, but in ourselves ~ William Shakespeare

It is not necessary to understand things in order to argue about them ~ Beaumarchais

It is not worth an intelligent man's time to be in the majority. By definition, there are already enough people to do that. ~ GH Hardy

It is of interest to note that while some dolphins are reported to have learned English ~ up to fifty words used in correct context ~ no human being has been reported to have learned dolphinese ~ Carl Sagan

It is one of the maladies of our age to profess a frenzied allegiance to truth in unimportant matters, to refuse consistently to face her where graver issues are at stake ~ Janos Arany

It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day-to-day basis ~ Margaret Bonnano

It is only the great men who are truly obscene. If they had not dared to be obscene, they could never have dared to be great ~ Havelock Ellis

It is our attitude at the beginning of a difficult task which more than anything else will affect its successful outcome ~ William James

It is our responsibilities, not ourselves, that we should take seriously ~ Peter Ustinov

It is possible to be below flattery as well as above it ~ Thomas Babington Macaulay

It is possible to store the mind with a million facts and still be entirely uneducated ~ Alec Bourne

It is said that power corrupts, but actually it's more true that power attracts the corruptible. The sane are usually attracted by other things than power ~ David Brin

It is the dull man who is always sure, and the sure man who is always dull ~ HL Mencken

It is the heart that makes a man rich. He is rich according to what he is, not according to what he has ~ Henry Ward Beecher

It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it ~ Aristotle

It is the wretchedness of being rich that you have to live with rich people ~ Logan Pearsall Smith

It is true that I was born in Iowa, but I can't speak for my twin sister ~ Abigail Van Buren

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims ~ Aristotle

It is well that war is so terrible - otherwise we would grow too fond of it ~ Robert E. Lee

It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others ~ John Andrew Holmes

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy ~ Groucho Marx

It may be that the old astrologers had the truth exactly reversed, when they believed that the stars controlled the destinies of men. The time may come when men control the destinies of stars ~ Arthur C. Clarke

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as warning to others

It may be true that the law cannot make a man love me, but it can stop him from lynching me, and I think that's pretty important ~ Martin Luther King Jr.

It only takes 20 years for a liberal to become a conservative without changing a single idea ~ Robert Anton Wilson

It pays to be obvious, especially if you have a reputation for subtlety ~ Isaac Asimov

It takes as much energy to wish as it does to plan ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

It takes courage to grow up and turn out to be who you really are ~ ee cummings

It takes hundreds of nuts to hold a car together, but it takes only one of them to scatter it all over the highway ~ Evan Esar

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth ~ George Burns

It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous ~ Robert Benchley

It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech ~ Mark Twain

It was beautiful and simple, as truly great swindles are ~ O. Henry

It was one of those perfect English autumnal days which occur more frequently in memory than in life ~ PD James

It was such a lovely day I thought it a pity to get up ~ W. Somerset Maugham

It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it ~ Mark Twain

It's a dangerous business going out your front door ~ JRR Tolkien

It's a rare person who wants to hear what he doesn't want to hear ~ Dick Cavett

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it ~ Steven Wright

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper ~ Jerry Seinfeld

It's never just a game when you're winning ~ George Carlin

It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like ~ Jackie Mason

It's not a matter of whether or not someone's watching over you. It's just a question of their intentions ~ Randy K. Milholland

It's not the voting that's democracy, it's the counting ~ Tom Stoppard

It's not true that life is one damn thing after another; it is one damn thing over and over ~ Edna St. Vincent Millay

It's so much easier to suggest solutions when you don't know too much about the problem ~ Malcolm Forbes

It's so popular nobody goes there anymore ~ Yogi Berra

It's the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time ~ Tallulah Bankhead

It's time for the human race to enter the solar system ~ Dan Quayle

I've always found paranoia to be a perfectly defensible position ~ Pat Conroy

I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks ~ Totie Fields

I've been trying for some time to develop a lifestyle that doesn't require my presence ~ Garry Trudeau

I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not ~ Fran Lebowitz

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it ~ Groucho Marx

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial ~ Irvin S. Cobb

I've never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother ~ W. C. Fields

I've stopped drinking, but only while I'm asleep ~ George Best

I've wrestled with reality for 35 years, Doctor, and I'm happy to state I finally won out over it ~ Mary Chase

1 | A | B | C | D | E | F | G | H | I | J | K | L | M | N | O | P | Q | R | S | T | U | V | W | Y | Z

J

Jazz? If you gotta ask, you'll never know ~ Louis Armstrong

Judgment is more than skill. It sets forth on intellectual seas beyond the shores of hard indisputable factual information ~ Kingman Brewster

Just because something doesn't do what you planned it to do doesn't mean it's useless ~ Thomas A. Edison

Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world doesn't mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar ~ Edward R. Murrow

Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't immune to bullets ~ Unknown

1 | A | B | C | D | E | F | G | H | I | J | K | L | M | N | O | P | Q | R | S | T | U | V | W | Y | Z

K

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards ~ Benjamin Franklin

Knowing others is wisdom, knowing yourself is Enlightenment ~ Lao Tzu

Knowledge is of two kinds. We know a subject ourselves, or we know where we can find information on it ~ Samuel Johnson

Knowledge is power, if you know it about the right person ~ Ethel Mumford

1 | A | B | C | D | E | F | G | H | I | J | K | L | M | N | O | P | Q | R | S | T | U | V | W | Y | Z

L

Lack of money is no obstacle. Lack of an idea is an obstacle ~ Ken Hakuta

Lack of money is the root of all evil ~ George Bernard Shaw

Language is the source of misunderstandings ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone ~ Tommy Cooper

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died ~ Steven Wright

Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed ~ W. C. Fields

Late to bed and late to wake will keep you long on money and short on mistakes ~ Aaron McGruder

Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone ~ Anthony Burgess

Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else's can shorten it ~ Cullen Hightower

Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward ~ Kurt Vonnegut

Laughter is the closest distance between two people ~ Victor Borge

Law of close encounters: the probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with

Law of coffee: as soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold

Law of lockers: if there are only two people in a locker-room, they will have adjacent lockers

Law of logical argument: anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about

Law of mechanical repair: after your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee

Law of probability: the probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act

Law of rugs and carpets: the chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug

Law of the alibi: if you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire

Law of the result: when you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will

Law of the workshop: any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner

Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made ~ Otto von Bismarck

Lawyers spend a great deal of their time shoveling smoke ~ Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.

Lawyers, I suppose, were children once ~ Charles Lamb

Learning to dislike children at an early age saves a lot of expense and aggravation later in life ~ Robert Byrne

Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage ~ Publius Syrus

Let not the sands of time get in your lunch ~ National Lampoon

Let us make a special effort to stop communicating with each other, so we can have some conversation ~ Judith Martin

Let's have some new cliches ~ Samuel Goldwyn

Liberty means responsibility. That is why most men dread it ~ George Bernard Shaw

Liberty without learning is always in peril; learning without liberty is always in vain ~ John F. Kennedy

Life - the way it really is - is a battle not between Bad and Good but between Bad and Worse ~ Joseph Brodsky

Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge ~ Paul Gauguin

Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Life is a fatal complaint, and an eminently contagious one ~ Oliver Wendell Holmes

Life is a foreign language ~ all men mispronounce it ~ Christopher Morley

Life is a long lesson in humility ~ James M. Barrie

Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act ~ Truman Capote

Life is a sexually transmitted disease ~ RD Laing

Life is a tragedy for those who feel, and a comedy for those who think ~ Jean De La Bruyere

Life is a zoo in a jungle ~ Peter De Vries

Life is an adventure in forgiveness ~ Norman Cousins

Life is an unbroken succession of false situations ~ Thornton Wilder

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable ~ Woody Allen

Life is far too important a thing ever to talk seriously about ~ Oscar Wilde

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon ~ Woody Allen

Life is just one damned thing after another ~ Elbert Hubbard

Life is like playing a violin solo in public and learning the instrument as one goes on ~ Samuel Butler

Life is nothing but a competition to be the criminal rather than the victim ~ Bertrand Russell

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome ~ Isaac Asimov

Life is something that happens when you can't get to sleep ~ Fran Lebowitz

Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans ~ John Lennon

Life isn't fair. It's just fairer than death, that's all ~ William Goldman

Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops ~ Kurt Vonnegut

Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip ~ Will Rogers

Living at risk is jumping off the cliff and building your wings on the way down ~ Ray Bradbury

Living in a vacuum sucks ~ Adrienne E. Gusoff

Logic is like the sword - those who appeal to it, shall perish by it ~ Samuel Butler

Look for the ridiculous in everything and you will find it ~ Jules Renard

Look wise, say nothing, and grunt. Speech was given to conceal thought ~ Sir William Osler

Looking at yourself through the media is like looking at one of those rippled mirrors in an amusement park ~ Edmund S. Muskie

Love at first sight is like living a century in a second ~ Francois Truffaut

Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke ~ Lynda Barry

Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock ~ John Barrymore

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence ~ H. L. Mencken

Love starts with a smile, grows with a kiss and ends with a tear

Love thy neighbour as yourself, but choose your neighbourhood ~ Louise Beal

Lying increases the creative faculties, expands the ego, and lessens the frictions of social contacts ~ Clare Booth Luce

1 | A | B | C | D | E | F | G | H | I | J | K | L | M | N | O | P | Q | R | S | T | U | V | W | Y | Z

M

Machines take me by surprise with great frequency ~ Alan Turing

Make yourself an honest man, and then you may be sure that there is one less scoundrel in the world ~ Thomas Carlyle

Man forgives woman anything save the wit to outwit him ~ Minna Thomas Antrim

Man has an incurable habit of not fulfilling the prophecies of his fellow men ~ Alistair Cooke

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile ~ Albert Schweitzer

Man is a credulous animal, and must believe something; in the absence of good grounds for belief, he will be satisfied with bad ones ~ Bertrand Russell

Man is so made that he can only find relaxation from one kind of labor by taking up another ~ Anatole France

Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them ~ Samuel Butler

Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps, for he is the only animal that is struck with the difference between what things are and what they ought to be ~ William Hazlitt

Man is tormented by no greater anxiety than to find someone quickly to whom he can hand over that great gift of freedom with which the ill-fated creature is born ~ Fyodor Dostoevsky

Management is doing things right; leadership is doing the right things ~ Peter Drucker

Mankind must remember that peace is not God's gift to his creatures; peace is our gift to each other ~ Elie Wiesel

Man's capacity for justice makes democracy possible, but man's inclination to injustice makes democracy necessary ~ Reinhold Niebuhr

Many a man who falls in love with a dimple make the mistake of marrying the whole girl ~ Evan Esar

Many books require no thought from those who read them, and for a very simple reason they made no such demand upon those who wrote them ~ Charles Caleb Colton

Many people have ideas on how others should change; few people have ideas on how they should change ~ Tolstoy

Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so ~ Bertrand Russell

Many would be cowards if they had courage enough ~ Thomas Fuller

Mardon me padam, but you're occupewing my pie

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet ~ Mae West

Marriage is the death of hope ~ Woody Allen

Mathematics, rightly viewed, possesses not only truth, but supreme beauty - a beauty cold and austere, like that of sculpture ~ Bertrand Russell

Maturity is a bitter disappointment for which no remedy exists, unless laughter can be said to remedy anything ~ Kurt Vonnegut

Maturity is coming to terms with that other part of yourself ~ Ruth Tiffany Barnhouse

Maybe all one can do is hope to end up with the right regrets ~ Arthur Miller

Maybe this world is another planet's hell ~ Aldous Huxley

Mediocrity is destined to eternal reign over Apathy - J.D. Borgman

Men are not against you; they are merely for themselves ~ Gene Fowler

Men go mad in herds but only come to their senses one by one ~ Charles Mackay

Men have become the tools of their tools ~ Henry David Thoreau

Men live in a fantasy world. I know this because I am one, and I actually receive my mail there ~ Scott Adams

Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from a religious conviction ~ Blaise Pascal

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing ever happened ~ Sir Winston Churchill

Men who never get carried away should be ~ Malcolm Forbes

Men, it has been well said, think in herds; it will be seen that they go mad in herds, while they only recover their senses slowly, and one by one ~ Charles Mackay

Middle age is when your broad mind and narrow waist begin to change places ~ E. Joseph Crossman

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms ~ Groucho Marx

Millions long for immortality who don't know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon ~ Susan Ertz

Minds are like parachutes; they work best when open ~ Lord Thomas Dewar

Misquotations are the only quotations that are never misquoted ~ Hesketh Pearson

Mistakes are a part of being human. Appreciate your mistakes for what they are: precious life lessons that can only be learned the hard way. Unless it's a fatal mistake, which, at least, others can learn from ~ Al Franken

Money can't buy happiness, but neither can poverty ~ Leo Rosten

Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy ~ Groucho Marx

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons ~ Woody Allen

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo ~ HG Wells

Morality, like art, means drawing a line someplace ~ Oscar Wilde

More common sense can be induced by observation of the diversity of human beings in a small town than can be learned in academia ~ Louis B. Wright

More persons, on the whole, are humbugged by believing nothing, than by believing too much ~ P.T. Barnum

Most conversations are simply monologues delivered in the presence of witnesses ~ Margaret Millar

Most human beings have an almost infinite capacity for taking things for granted ~ Aldous Huxley

Most men are within a finger's breadth of being mad ~ Diogenes the Cynic

Most modern calendars mar the sweet simplicity of our lives by reminding us that each day that passes is the anniversary of some perfectly uninteresting event ~ Oscar Wilde

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all ~ Woody Allen

Most of us love from our need to love, not because we find someone deserving ~ Nikki Giovanni

Most of us probably feel we couldn't be free without newspapers, and that is the real reason we want the newspapers to be free ~ Edward R. Murrow

Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be ~ Abraham Lincoln

Most people would rather be certain they're miserable than risk being happy ~ Robert Anthony

Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before ~ Rita Rudner

MTV is the lava lamp of the 1980's ~ Doug Ferrari

Much of the social history of the Western world over the past three decades has involved replacing what worked with what sounded good ~ Thomas Sowell

Muddy water will become clear if allowed to stand undisturbed, and so too will the mind become clear if it is allowed to be still ~ Deng Ming-Dao

Music makes one feel so romantic - at least it always gets on one's nerves - which is the same thing nowadays ~ Oscar Wilde

Music with dinner is an insult both to the cook and the violinist ~ GK Chesterton

Mustard's no good without roast beef ~ Chico Marx

My definition of a free society is a society where it is safe to be unpopular ~ Adlai E. Stevenson Jr.

My definition of an expert in any field is a person who knows enough about what's really going on to be scared ~ PJ Plauger

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people ~ Orson Welles

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money ~ Joe Weinstein

My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers ~ Woody Allen

My favorite thing about the Internet is that you get to go into the private world of real creeps without having to smell them ~ Penn Jillette

My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you I just signed legislation which outlaws Russia forever. The bombing begins in five minutes ~ Ronald Reagan

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle ~ Henny Youngman

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is ~ Ellen DeGeneres

My karma ran over your dogma ~ unknown

My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right? ~ Charles M. Schulz

My loathings are simple: stupidity, oppression, crime, cruelty, soft music ~ Vladimir Nabokov

My method is to take the utmost trouble to find the right thing to say, and then to say it with the utmost levity ~ George Bernard Shaw

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping ~ Rita Rudner

My mother loved children ~ she would have given anything if I had been one ~ Groucho Marx

My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's ~ Oscar Wilde

My parents only had one argument in forty-five years. It lasted forty-three years ~ Cathy Ladman

My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of the pessimists ~ Jean Rostand

My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income ~ Errol Flynn

My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble mind ~ Albert Einstein

My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare ~ Mike Myers

My theory is that if you look confident you can pull off anything - even if you have no clue what you're doing ~ Jessica Alba

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It is the funniest joke in the world ~ George Bernard Shaw

My weight is perfect for my height ~ which varies

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met ~ Rodney Dangerfield

My work is a game, a very serious game ~ MC Escher

1 | A | B | C | D | E | F | G | H | I | J | K | L | M | N | O | P | Q | R | S | T | U | V | W | Y | Z

N

Nature is trying very hard to make us succeed, but nature does not depend on us. We are not the only experiment ~ R. Buckminster Fuller

Neither a man nor a crowd nor a nation can be trusted to act humanely or to think sanely under the influence of a great fear ~ Bertrand Russell

Never answer a critic, unless he's right ~ Bernard M. Baruch

Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century ~ Dame Edna Everage

Never be afraid to tell the world who you are ~ unknown

Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife ~ P.J. O'Rourke

Never believe anything until it has been officially denied ~ Claud Cockburn

Never complain and never explain ~ Benjamin Disraeli

Never confuse movement with action ~ Ernest Hemingway

Never cut what you can untie ~ Joseph Joubert

Never explain - your friends do not need it and your enemies will not believe you anyway ~ Elbert Hubbard

Never face facts; if you do, you'll never get up in the morning ~ Marlo Thomas

Never give a party if you will be the most interesting person there ~ Mickey Friedman

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight ~ Phyllis Diller

Never have children, only grandchildren ~ Gore Vidal

Never injure a friend, even in jest ~ Marcus Tullius Cicero

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake ~ Napoleon Bonaparte

Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level ~ Quentin Crisp

Never knock on Death's door: ring the bell and run away! Death really hates that! ~ Matt Frewer

Never let yesterday use up too much of today ~ Will Rogers

Never let your sense of morals get in the way of doing what's right ~ Isaac Asimov

Never let your zeal outrun your charity. The former is but human, the latter is divine ~ Hosea Ballou

Never look down on anybody unless you're helping him up ~ Jesse Jackson

Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance ~ Sam Brown

Never tell anyone that you're writing a book, going on a diet, exercising, taking a course, or quitting smoking. They'll encourage you to death ~ Lynn Johnston

Never tell me the odds ~ - Han Solo, Star Wars

New knowledge is the most valuable commodity on earth. The more truth we have to work with, the richer we become ~ Kurt Vonnegut

New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move ~ David Letterman

Newspapermen learn to call a murderer 'an alleged murderer' and the King of England 'the alleged King of England' to avoid libel suits ~ Stephen Leacock

Nihilism is best done by professionals ~ Iggy Pop

Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation ~ Henry Kissinger

Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hard-working, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then~we elected them ~ Lily Tomlin

No good deed goes unpunished ~ Clare Booth Luce

No human thing is of serious importance ~ Plato

No man ever listened himself out of a job ~ Calvin Coolidge

No man is exempt from saying silly things; the mischief is to say them deliberately ~ Michel de Montaigne

No man needs a vacation so much as the man who has just had one ~ Elbert Hubbard

No man remains quite what he was when he recognizes himself ~ Thomas Mann

No man's life, liberty or property are safe while the legislature is in session ~ Judge Gideon J. Tucker

No matter how cynical you get, it is impossible to keep up ~ Lily Tomlin

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery ~ unknown

No matter how rich you become, how famous or powerful, when you die the size of your funeral will still pretty much depend on the weather ~ Michael Pritchard

No matter what side of the argument you are on, you always find people on your side that you wish were on the other ~ Jascha Heifetz

No one can earn a million dollars honestly ~ William Jennings Bryan

No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have, and I think he's a dirty little beast ~ W. S. Gilbert

No one gossips about other people's secret virtues ~ Bertrand Russell

No one has ever had an idea in a dress suit ~ Sir Frederick G. Banting

No one means all he says, and yet very few say all they mean, for words are slippery and thought is viscous ~ Henry Adams

No one really listens to anyone else, and if you try it for a while you'll see why ~ Mignon McLaughlin

No one who cannot rejoice in the discovery of his own mistakes deserves to be called a scholar ~ Donald Foster

No opera plot can be sensible, for people do not sing when they are feeling sensible ~ WH Auden

No wise man ever wished to be younger ~ Jonathan Swift

Nobody grows old by merely living a number of years - people grow old by deserting their ideals ~ Samuel Ullman

Nobody in the game of football should be called a genius. A genius is somebody like Norman Einstein ~ Joe Theismann

Nobody outside of a baby carriage or a judge's chamber believes in an unprejudiced point of view ~ Lillian Hellman

Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal ~ Albert Camus

None are more hopelessly enslaved than those who falsely believe they are free ~ Johann Wolfgang van Goethe

None are so busy as the fool and knave ~ John Dryden

None but a coward dares to boast that he has never known fear ~ Ferdinand Foch

None of us is as smart as all of us ~ Phil Condit

Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for - in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it ~ Ellen Goodman

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be ~ Peter De Vries

Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious ~ Brendan Gill

Not every story has explosions and car chases. That's why they have nudity and espionage ~ Bill Barnes and Gene Ambaum

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted ~ Albert Einstein

Not ignorance, but ignorance of ignorance, is the death of knowledge ~ Alfred North Whitehead

Not only is the universe stranger than we imagine, it is stranger than we can imagine ~ Sir Arthur Eddington

Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends ~ Woody Allen

Not to decide is to decide ~ Havery Cox

Not to engage in the pursuit of ideas is to live like ants instead of like men ~ Mortimer Adler

Nothing can be so amusingly arrogant as a young man who has just discovered an old idea and thinks it is his own ~ Sidney J. Harris

Nothing fixes a thing so intensely in the memory as the wish to forget it ~ Michel de Montaigne

Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less ~ Marie Curie

Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad cheque

Nothing is as simple as we hope it will be ~ Jim Horning

Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself ~ AH Weiler

Nothing is impossible. Some things are just less likely than others ~ Jonathan Winters

Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which millionaires tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth ~ Rex Stout

Nothing is more conducive to peace of mind than not having any opinions at all ~ Georg Christoph Lichtenberg

Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else ~ James M. Barrie

Nothing is said that has not been said before ~ Terence

Nothing is so fatiguing as the eternal hanging on of an uncompleted task ~ William James

Nothing is worse than active ignorance ~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Nothing says, 'I have no idea what to get you,' quite like giant beige bath towels ~ Missbhavens

Nothing shocks me. I'm a scientist ~ Harrison Ford

Nothing shows a man's character more than what he laughs at ~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Nothing so fortifies a friendship as a belief on the part of one friend that he is superior to the other ~ Honore de Balzac

Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success ~ Christopher Lasch

Nothing travels faster than the speed of light with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws ~ Douglas Adams

Nothing you can't spell will ever work ~ Will Rogers

Novelties are always welcome, but talking pictures are just a passing fad ~ Irving Thalberg, 1927

Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature ~ Kin Hubbard

Now I know what a statesman is; he's a dead politician. We need more statesmen ~ Bob Edwards

Now is the time for all good men to come to ~ Walt Kelly

Now there's three things you can do in a baseball game: you can win or you can lose or it can rain ~ Casey Stengel

Now we sit through Shakespeare in order to recognize the quotations ~ Orson Welles

Nowadays men lead lives of noisy desperation ~ James Thurber

NyQuil: the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine

1 | A | B | C | D | E | F | G | H | I | J | K | L | M | N | O | P | Q | R | S | T | U | V | W | Y | Z

O

O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet ~ Saint Augustine

Objectivity requires taking subjectivity into account ~ Lorraine Code

Of all noises, I think music is the least disagreeable ~ Samuel Johnson

Of all the preposterous assumptions of humanity over humanity, nothing exceeds most of the criticisms made on the habits of the poor by the well-housed, well- warmed, and well-fed ~ Herman Melville

Of those who say nothing, few are silent ~ Thomas Neill

Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd be irresponsible, too ~ Lichty and Wagner

Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to believe ~ Laurence J. Peter

Old age is not so bad when you consider the alternatives ~ Maurice Chevalier

Old age is the most unexpected of all the things that happen to a man ~ Leon Trotsky

Old age isn't so bad when you consider the alternative ~ Maurice-Auguste Chevalier

Oliver's law: a closed mouth gathers no feet

On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter what it does ~ Will Rogers

On my income tax it says 'Check this box if you are blind.' I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away ~ Tom Lehrer

On the Internet, nobody knows you're a dog ~ Peter Steiner

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down ~ Woody Allen

On the whole human beings want to be good, but not too good, and not quite all the time ~ George Orwell

Once in a while you have to take a break and visit yourself ~ Audrey Giorgi

Once you fully apprehend the vacuity of a life without struggle, you are equipped with the basic means of salvation ~ Tennessee Williams

Once you lose your integrity, the rest is a piece of cake ~ J.R. Ewing, Dallas

Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

One can survive everything, nowadays, except death, and live down everything except a good reputation ~ Oscar Wilde

One doesn't have a sense of humour. It has you ~ Larry Gelbart

One has a greater sense of intellectual degradation after an interview with a doctor than from any human experience ~ Alice James

One is tempted to define man as a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason ~ Oscar Wilde

One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity, there ain't nothin' can beat teamwork ~ Edward Abbey

One man that has a mind and knows it can always beat ten men who haven't and don't ~ George Bernard Shaw

One man's theology is another man's belly laugh ~ Robert A. Heinlein

One never notices what has been done; one can only see what remains to be done ~ Marie Curie

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people ~ unknown

One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries ~ AA Milne

One of the few good things about modern times: If you die horribly on television, you will not have died in vain. You will have entertained us ~ Kurt Vonnegut

One of the first duties of the physician is to educate the masses not to take medicine ~ Sir William Osler

One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say ~ Will Durant

One of the most obvious facts about grownups to a child is that they have forgotten what it is like to be a child ~ Randall Jarrell

One of the serious obstacles to the improvement of our race is indiscriminate charity ~ Andrew Carnegie

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important ~ Bertrand Russell

One reason I don't drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time ~ Nancy Astor

One should absorb the colour of life, but one should never remember its details. Details are always vulgar ~ Oscar Wilde

One should always play fairly when one has the winning cards ~ Oscar Wilde

One's real life is often the life that one does not lead ~ Oscar Wilde

Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast ~ Oscar Wilde

Only exceptionally rational men can afford to be absurd ~ Allan Goldfein

Only fools are positive ~ Moe Howard

Only sick music makes money today ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

Only the mediocre are always at their best ~ Jean Giraudoux

Only the shallow know themselves ~ Oscar Wilde

Operationally, God is beginning to resemble not a ruler but the last fading smile of a cosmic Cheshire cat ~ Sir Julian Huxley

Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work ~ Thomas Edison

Ordinarily he was insane, but he had lucid moments when he was merely stupid ~ Heinrich Heine

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies ~ Woody Allen

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it ~ Laurence J. Peter

Our character is what we do when we think no one is looking

Our consciences are littered like an old attic with the junk of sheer conviction ~ Wilford O. Cross

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man ~ Bertrand Russell

Our memories are card indexes - consulted, and then put back in disorder, by authorities whom we do not control ~ Cyril Connolly

Our names are labels, plainly printed on the bottled essence of our past behavior ~ Logan Pearsall Smith

Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf ~ Lewis Mumford

Our scientific power has outrun our spiritual power. We have guided missiles and misguided men ~ Martin Luther King Jr.

Ours is the age that is proud of machines that think and suspicious of men who try to ~ H. Mumford Jones

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read ~ Groucho Marx

1 | A | B | C | D | E | F | G | H | I | J | K | L | M | N | O | P | Q | R | S | T | U | V | W | Y | Z

P

Parents were invented to make children happy by giving them something to ignore ~ Ogden Nash

Part of the inhumanity of the computer is that, once it is competently programmed and working smoothly, it is completely honest ~ Isaac Asimov

Partying is such sweet sorrow ~ Robert Byrne

Patience has its limits. Take it too far, and it's cowardice ~ George Jackson

Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet ~ Aristotle

Patriotism is often an arbitrary veneration of real estate above principles ~ George Jean Nathan

Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel ~ Samuel Johnson

Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all other countries because you were born in it ~ George Bernard Shaw

Pay no attention to what the critics say... remember, a statue has never been set up in honor of a critic! ~ Jean Sibelius

People are, if anything, more touchy about being thought silly than they are about being thought unjust ~ EB White

People ask for criticism, but they only want praise ~ W. Somerset Maugham

People demand freedom of speech as a compensation for the freedom of thought which they seldom use ~ Soren Kierkegaard

People do not lack strength, they lack will ~ Victor Hugo

People everywhere confuse what they read in newspapers with news ~ AJ Liebling

People might not get all they work for in this world, but they must certainly work for all they get ~ Frederick Douglass

People rarely succeed unless they have fun in what they are doing ~ Dale Carnegie

People say that life is the thing, but I prefer reading ~ Logan Pearsall Smith

People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history ~ Dan Quayle

People want economy and they will pay any price to get it ~ Lee Iacocca

People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get much better press than people who are just funny and smart ~ Howard Simons

People who have no weaknesses are terrible; there is no way of taking advantage of them ~ Anatole France

People who have what they want are fond of telling people who haven't what they want that they really don't want it ~ Ogden Nash

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one ~ Leo J. Burke

People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy ~ Bob Hope

People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up ~ Ogden Nash

People will buy anything that is one to a customer ~ Sinclair Lewis

People will pay more for laughing than any other privilege ~ Bob Edwards

People with courage and character always seem sinister to the rest ~ Hermann Hesse

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Perhaps in time the so-called Dark Ages will be thought of as including our own ~ Georg Christoph Lichtenberg

Perhaps, after all, America never has been discovered. I myself would say that it had merely been detected ~ Oscar Wilde

Permit me to issue and control the money of a nation and I care not who makes its laws ~ Mayer Amschel Rothschild

Perpetual devotion to what a man calls his business, is only to be sustained by perpetual neglect of many other things ~ Robert Louis Stevenson

Personally I'm always ready to learn, although I do not always like being taught ~ Sir Winston Churchill

Pessimism is as American as apple pie - frozen apple pie with a slice of processed cheese ~ George F. Will

Philosophy is a battle against the bewitchment of our intelligence by means of language ~ Ludwig Wittgenstein

Philosophy: A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing ~ Ambrose Bierce

Physicists like to think that all you have to do is say, these are the conditions, now what happens next ~ Richard Feynman

Plan ahead. It was not raining when Noah built the ark ~ unknown

Play: Work that you enjoy doing for nothing ~ Evan Esar

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river ~ Nikita Khrushchev

Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book ~ Ronald Reagan

Politics is not the art of the possible. It consists in choosing between the disastrous and the unpalatable ~ John Kenneth Galbraith

Politics is perhaps the only profession for which no preparation is thought necessary ~ Robert Louis Stevenson

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first ~ Ronald Reagan

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy ~ Ernest Benn

Politics is the art of preventing people from taking part in affairs which properly concern them ~ Paul Valery

Politics is the skilled use of blunt objects ~ Lester B. Pearson

Politics, n. Strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles ~ Ambrose Bierce

Posterity is as likely to be wrong as anyone else ~ Heywood Broun

Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat ~ John Lehman

Prediction is very difficult, especially about the future ~ Niels Bohr

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday ~ Don Marquis

Procrastination isn't the problem, it's the solution. So procrastinate now, don't put it off ~ Ellen DeGeneres

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning ~ Rick Cook

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic ~ unknown

Public speaking is the art of diluting a two-minute idea with a two-hour vocabulary ~ Evan Esar

Punctuality is the virtue of the bored ~ Evelyn Waugh

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy ~ HL Mencken

1 | A | B | C | D | E | F | G | H | I | J | K | L | M | N | O | P | Q | R | S | T | U | V | W | Y | Z

Q

Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away ~ Robert Orben

Quotation, noun - The act of repeating erroneously the words of another ~ Ambrose Bierce

1 | A | B | C | D | E | F | G | H | I | J | K | L | M | N | O | P | Q | R | S | T | U | V | W | Y | Z

R

Rage is the only quality which has kept me, or anybody I have ever studied, writing columns for newspapers ~ Jimmy Breslin

Read over your compositions, and wherever you meet with a passage which you think is particularly fine, strike it out ~ Samuel Johnson

Read, every day, something no one else is reading. Think, every day, something no one else is thinking. Do, every day, something no one else would be silly enough to do. It is bad for the mind to be always part of unanimity ~ Christopher Morley

Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body ~ Sir Richard Steele

Reading made Don Quixote a gentleman. Believing what he read made him mad ~ George Bernard Shaw

Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance ~ Confucius

Realism … has no more to do with reality than anything else ~ Hob Broun

Reality is a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs ~ Lily Tomlin

Reality is an illusion caused by a shortage of alcohol ~ Tollieman

Reality is nothing but a collective hunch ~ Jane Wagner

Reality is something you rise above ~ Liza Minnelli

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away ~ Philip K. Dick

Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it ~ Jane Wagner

Reason has always existed, but not always in a reasonable form ~ Karl Marx

Reject your sense of injury and the injury itself disappears ~ Marcus Aurelius

Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment ~ Benjamin Franklin

Remember, Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but backwards and in high heels ~ Faith Whittlesey

Remember, when the wind blows, even the turkeys fly ~ Leon Tuey

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water ~ W. C. Fields

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water ~ WC Fields

Reporters are faced with the daily choice of painstakingly researching stories or writing whatever people tell them. Both approaches pay the same ~ Scott Adams

Research is the process of going up alleys to see if they are blind ~ Marston Bates

Rewards and punishments are the lowest form of education ~ Chuang-tzu

Rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who can't talk for people who can't read ~ Frank Zappa

Rogues are preferable to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest ~ Alexandre Dumas

1 | A | B | C | D | E | F | G | H | I | J | K | L | M | N | O | P | Q | R | S | T | U | V | W | Y | Z

S

Sanity calms, but madness is more interesting ~ John Russell

Sanity is a madness put to good use ~ George Santayana

Sarcasm: the last refuge of modest and chaste-souled people when the privacy of their soul is coarsely and intrusively invaded ~ Fyodor Dostoevski

Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be surprised at how little you have ~ Ernest Haskins

Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them ~ HL Mencken

Saying what we think gives us a wider conversational range than saying what we know ~ Cullen Hightower

Scandal is gossip made tedious by morality ~ Oscar Wilde

Science has proof without any certainty. Creationists have certainty without any proof ~ Ashley Montague

Science is facts; just as houses are made of stones, so is science made of facts; but a pile of stones is not a house and a collection of facts is not necessarily science ~ Henri Poincare

Science is organized knowledge. Wisdom is organized life ~ Immanuel Kant

Seeing a murder on television can help work off one's antagonisms. And if you haven't any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some ~ Alfred Hitchcock

Seeing ourselves as others see us would probably confirm our worst suspicions about them ~ Franklin P. Adams

Seek simplicity, and distrust it ~ Alfred North Whitehead

Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live ~ Oscar Wilde

Seriousness is the only refuge of the shallow ~ Oscar Wilde

Set all things in their own peculiar place, and know that order is the greatest grace ~ John Dryden

Setting a good example for children takes all the fun out of middle age ~ William Feather

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon ~ Groucho Marx

She had a pretty gift for quotation, which is a serviceable substitute for wit ~ W. Somerset Maugham

She had an unequalled gift... of squeezing big mistakes into small opportunities ~ Henry James

She runs the gamut of emotions from A to B ~ Dorothy Parker

She was a woman who, between courses, could be graceful with her elbows on the table ~ Henry James

She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still ~ unknown

Silence is argument carried out by other means ~ Ernesto Che Guevara

Silence is one of the great arts of conversation ~ Cicero

Silent gratitude isn't very much use to anyone ~ Gertrude Stein

Silly is you in a natural state, and serious is something you have to do until you can get silly again ~ Mike Myers

Silly things do cease to be silly if they are done by sensible people in an impudent way ~ Jane Austen

Simplicity is making the journey of this life with just baggage enough ~ Charles Dudley Warner

Since we cannot know all that there is to be known about anything, we ought to know a little about everything ~ Blaise Pascal

Skeptical scrutiny is the means, in both science and religion, by which deep insights can be winnowed from deep nonsense ~ Carl Sagan

Skepticism, like chastity, should not be relinquished too readily ~ George Santayana

Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful objects such as wickerwork picnic baskets. Imagination without skill gives us modern art ~ Tom Stoppard

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics ~ Fletcher Knebel

So I became a newspaperman. I hated to do it but I couldn't find honest employment ~ Mark Twain

So much of what we call management consists in making it difficult for people to work ~ Peter Drucker

So this is how liberty dies. With thunderous applause ~ George Lucas

Society, my dear, is like salt water, good to swim in but hard to swallow ~ Arthur Stringer

Some for renown, on scraps of learning dote, /And think they grow immortal as they quote ~ Edward Young

Some have been thought brave because they were afraid to run away ~ Thomas Fuller

Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them ~ Joseph Heller

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps ~ Emo Phillips

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong ~ George Carlin

Some of the worst mistakes of my life have been haircuts ~ Jim Morrison

Some people have no respect for age unless it's bottled

Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it ~ Gordon R. Dickson

Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead ~ Charles Bukowski

Some people strengthen the society just by being the kind of people they are ~ John W. Gardner

Some things have to be believed to be seen ~ Ralph Hodgson

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch ~ WC Fields

Somebody has to do something, and it's just incredibly pathetic that it has to be us ~ Jerry Garcia

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be ~ Rita Rudner

Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car ~ Evan Davis

Someone's boring me. I think it's me ~ Dylan Thomas

Sometime they'll give a war and nobody will come ~ Carl Sandburg

Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some smaller countries are neutral ~ Robert Orben

Sometimes I think we're alone. Sometimes I think we're not. In either case, the thought is staggering ~ R. Buckminster Fuller

Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world ~ Lily Tomlin

Sometimes it is harder to deprive oneself of a pain than of a pleasure ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald

Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane ~ Philip K. Dick

Sometimes the first duty of intelligent men is the restatement of the obvious ~ George Orwell

Sometimes the mind, for reasons we don't necessarily understand, just decides to go to the store for a quart of milk ~ Diane Frolov and Andrew Schneider

Sometimes what's right isn't as important as what's profitable ~ Trey Parker and Matt Stone

Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving ~ David Letterman

Sorry I wrote you such a long letter. I didn't have time to write you a shorter one ~ Oscar Wilde

Space isn't remote at all. It's only an hour's drive away if your car could go straight upwards ~ Fred Hoyle

Speak the truth, but leave immediately after ~ Slovenian Proverb

Special-interest publications should realize that if they are attracting enough advertising and readers to make a profit, the interest is not so special ~ Fran Lebowitz

Speech is conveniently located midway between thought and action, where it often substitutes for both ~ John Andrew Holmes

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with ~ W. C. Fields

Statistician: A man who believes figures don't lie, but admits that under analysis some of them won't stand up either ~ Evan Esar

Statistics - the only science that enables different experts using the same figures to draw different conclusions ~ Evan Esar

Statistics means never having to say you're certain

Statistics: The only science that enables different experts using the same figures to draw different conclusions ~ Evan Esar

Stop drop and roll won't work in hell ~ unknown

Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness ~ Woody Allen

Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them ~ Bill Vaughan

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view

Success didn't spoil me, I've always been insufferable ~ Fran Lebowitz

Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate ~ Barnett Brickner

Success is dangerous. One begins to copy oneself, and to copy oneself is more dangerous than to copy others. It leads to sterility ~ Pablo Picasso

Success is falling nine times and getting up 10 ~ Jon Bon Jovi

Success is not measured by the position one has reached in life, rather by the obstacles overcome while trying to succeed ~ Booker T. Washington

Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself ~ Mark Twain

Sure I'm for helping the elderly. I'm going to be old myself some day ~ Lillian Carter

Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest men in national government too ~ Richard M. Nixon

Swallow your pride. It contains no calories ~ unknown

1 | A | B | C | D | E | F | G | H | I | J | K | L | M | N | O | P | Q | R | S | T | U | V | W | Y | Z

T

Tact consists in knowing how far to go too far ~ Jean Cocteau

Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves ~ Abraham Lincoln

Tact is the knack of making a point without making an enemy ~ Isaac Newton

Take care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves ~ Dorothy Parker

Take everything you like seriously, except yourselves ~ Rudyard Kipling

Take the utmost trouble to find the right thing to say, and then say it with the utmost levity ~ George Bernard Shaw

Talent hits a target no one else can hit; Genius hits a target no one else can see ~ Arthur Schopenhauer

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish ~ Euripides

Talking and eloquence are not the same: to speak and to speak well are two things. A fool may talk, but a wise man speaks ~ Ben Jonson

Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway ~ unknown

Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn't have to experience it ~ Max Frisch

Television enables you to be entertained in your home by people you wouldn't have in your home ~ David Frost

Television has raised writing to a new low ~ Samuel Goldwyn

Television is a new medium. It's called a medium because nothing is well-done ~ Fred Allen

Television is for appearing on - not for looking at ~ Noel Coward

Television is the first truly democratic culture - the first culture available to everybody and entirely governed by what the people want. The most terrifying thing is what people do want ~ Clive Barnes

Television news is like a lightning flash. It makes a loud noise, lights up everything around it, leaves everything else in darkness and then is suddenly gone ~ Hodding Carter

Thank God men cannot as yet fly and lay waste the sky as well as the earth! ~ Henry David Thoreau

Thanks to the Interstate Highway System, it is now possible to travel from coast to coast without seeing anything ~ Charles Kuralt

Thanks to TV and for the convenience of TV, you can only be one of two kinds of human beings, either a liberal or a conservative ~ Kurt Vonnegut

That a fact is deemed true by the majority does not prove its truth. That a policy is deemed expedient by the majority does not provide its expediency ~ Ludwig von Mises

That all men are equal is a proposition which, at ordinary times, no sane individual has ever given his assent ~ Aldous Huxley

That which has always been accepted by everyone, everywhere, is almost certain to be false ~ Paul Valery

That's the secret to life... replace one worry with another... ~ Charles M. Schulz

The ability to delude yourself may be an important survival tool ~ Jane Wagner

The ability to lie is a liability ~ unknown

The absence of alternatives clears the mind marvelously ~ Henry Kissinger

The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

The advantage of a classical education is that it enables you to despise the wealth that it prevents you from achieving ~ Russell Green

The aim of an argument or discussion should not be victory, but progress ~ Joseph Joubert

The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook ~ William James

The art of medicine consists of keeping the patient amused while nature heals the disease ~ Voltaire

The art of progress is to preserve order amid change and to preserve change amid order ~ Alfred North Whitehead

The artist doesn't have time to listen to the critics. The ones who want to be writers read the reviews, the ones who want to write don't have the time to read reviews ~ William Faulkner

The average man, who does not know what to do with his life, wants another one which will last forever ~ Anatole France

The average person thinks he isn't ~ Father Larry Lorenzoni

The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible ~ Jean Kerr

The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that carries any reward ~ John Maynard Keynes

The beginning of knowledge is the discovery of something we do not understand ~ Frank Herbert

The belief in a supernatural source of evil is not necessary; men alone are quite capable of every wickedness ~ Joseph Conrad

The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it ~ Dudley Moore

The best defense against the atom bomb is not to be there when it goes off ~ anonymous

The best doctor in the world is the veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter - he's got to just know ~ Will Rogers

The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale ~ Arthur C. Clarke

The best minds are not in government. If any were, business would hire them away ~ Ronald Reagan

The best way in which to silence any friend of yours whom you know to be a fool is to induce him to hire a hall. Nothing chills pretense like exposure ~ Woodrow Wilson

The best way out is always through ~ Robert Frost

The best way to keep children home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant~and let the air out of the tires ~ Dorothy Parker

The best way to keep one's word is not to give it ~ Napoleon Bonaparte

The best way to predict the future is to invent it ~ Alan Kay

The best way to win an argument is to begin by being right ~ Jill Ruckelshaus

The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people ~ GK Chesterton

The big thieves hang the little ones ~ Czech Proverb

The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get into the office ~ Robert Frost

The butcher who backed into a meat grinder got a little behind in his work ~ unknown

The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animal ~ HL Mencken

The chains of habit are generally too small to be felt until they are too strong to be broken ~ Samuel Johnson

The chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions ~ Alfred Adler

The chief value of money lies in the fact that one lives in a world in which it is overestimated ~ HL Mencken

The clash of ideas is the sound of freedom

The cloning of humans is on most of the lists of things to worry about from Science, along with behaviour control, genetic engineering, transplanted heads, computer poetry and the unrestrained growth of plastic flowers ~ Lewis Thomas

The compulsion to take ourselves seriously is in inverse proportion to our creative capacity. When the creative flow dries up, all we have left is our importance ~ Eric Hoffer

The computing field is always in need of new cliches ~ Alan Perlis

The Constitution gives every American the inalienable right to make a damn fool of himself ~ John Ciardi

The consumer is not a moron. She's your wife ~ David Ogilvy or Kevin Roberts

The conventional view serves to protect us from the painful job of thinking ~ John Kenneth Galbraith

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity

The cost of living is going up and the chance of living is going down ~ Flip Wilson

The coward dies a thousand deaths, the brave man...only five hundred ~ Meredith Willson

The creative person is both more primitive and more cultivated, more destructive and more constructive, a lot madder and a lot saner, than the average person ~ Dr. Frank Barron

The creator of the universe works in mysterious ways. But he uses a base ten counting system and likes round numbers ~ Scott Adams

The cure for writer's cramp is writer's block ~ Inigo DeLeon

The danger is not that a particular class is unfit to govern. Every class is unfit to govern ~ Lord Acton

The days of the digital watch are numbered ~ Tom Stoppard

The deepest definition of youth is life as yet untouched by tragedy ~ Alfred North Whitehead

The difference between a democracy and a dictatorship is that in a democracy you vote first and take orders later; in a dictatorship you don't have to waste your time voting ~ Charles Bukowski

The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns longer ~ Victor Borge

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting ~ Gloria Leonard

The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any problem, it is generally employed only by small children and large nations ~ David Friedman

The easiest kind of relationship for me is with ten thousand people. The hardest is with one ~ Joan Baez

The easiest way for your children to learn about money is for you not to have any ~ Katharine Whitehorn

The effort to understand the universe is one of the very few things that lifts human life a little above the level of farce, and gives it some of the grace of tragedy ~ Steven Weinberg

The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of civilization ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

The enemy is anybody who's going to get you killed, no matter which side he's on ~ Joseph Heller

The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact than a drunken man is happier than a sober one ~ George Bernard Shaw

The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it ~ Abbie Hoffman

The first forty years of life give us the text; the next thirty supply the commentary on it ~ Arthur Schopenhauer

The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children ~ Clarence Darrow

The first question I ask myself when something doesn't seem to be beautiful is why do I think it's not beautiful. And very shortly you discover that there is no reason ~ John Cage

The first sign of corruption in a society that is still alive is that the end justifies the means ~ Georges Bernanos

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it ~ Joan Rivers

The flood of money that gushes into politics today is a pollution of democracy ~ Theodore H. White

The follies which a man regrets most, in his life, are those which he didn't commit when he had the opportunity ~ Helen Rowland

The folly of mistaking a paradox for a discovery, a metaphor for a proof, a torrent of verbiage for a spring of capital truths, and oneself for an oracle, is inborn in us ~ Paul Valery

The forceps of our minds are clumsy forceps, and crush the truth a little in taking hold of it ~ HG Wells

The future is here. It's just not widely distributed yet ~ William Gibson

The future is much like the present, only longer ~ Dan Quisenberry

The future, according to some scientists, will be exactly like the past, only far more expensive ~ John Sladek

The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance ~ Robert R. Coveyou

The glory of great men should always be measured by the means they have used to acquire it ~ Francois de La Rochefoucauld

The goal of all inanimate objects is to resist man and ultimately defeat him ~ Russell Baker

The goal of all life is death ~ Sigmund Freud

The gods too are fond of a joke ~ Aristotle

The golden rule is that there are no golden rules ~ George Bernard Shaw

The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5-foot-7, it is impossible to get anyone on the phone ~ Woody Allen

The government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it ~ Ronald Reagan

The great corrupter of public man is the ego - looking at the mirror distracts one's attention from the problem ~ Dean Acheson

The great enemy of clear language is insincerity. When there is a gap between one's real and one's declared aims, one turns as it were instinctively to long words and exhausted idioms, like a cuttlefish spurting out ink ~ George Orwell

The great thing about democracy is that it gives every voter a chance to do something stupid ~ Art Spander

The great tragedy of Science - the slaying of a beautiful hypothesis by an ugly fact ~ Thomas H. Huxley

The greatest challenge to any thinker is stating the problem in a way that will allow a solution ~ Bertrand Russell

The greatest compliment that was ever paid me was when one asked me what I thought, and attended to my answer ~ Henry David Thoreau

The greatest cunning is to have none at all ~ Carl Sandburg

The greatest obstacle to discovery is not ignorance - it is the illusion of knowledge ~ Daniel J. Boorstin

The greatest of faults, I should say, is to be conscious of none ~ Thomas Carlyle

The greatest pleasure I have known, is to do a good action by stealth, and to have it found out by accident ~ Charles Lamb

The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do ~ Walter Bagehot

The greatest productive force is human selfishness ~ Robert Heinlein

The height of cleverness is to be able to conceal it ~ Francois de La Rochefoucauld

The higher the buildings, the lower the morals ~ Noel Coward

The highest possible stage in moral culture is when we recognize that we ought to control our thoughts ~ Charles Darwin

The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money ~ Mark Twain

The human mind treats a new idea the same way the body treats a strange protein; it rejects it ~ PB Medawar

The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter ~ Mark Twain

The idea of all-out nuclear war is unsettling ~ Walter Goodman

The idea that you can merchandise candidates for high office like breakfast cereal - that you can gather votes like box tops - is, I think, the ultimate indignity to the democratic process ~ Adlai Ewing Stevenson

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer ~ Henry Kissinger

The important thing in science is not so much to obtain new facts as to discover new ways of thinking about them ~ Sir William Bragg

The important thing is not to stop questioning ~ Albert Einstein

The important work of moving the world forward does not wait to be done by perfect men ~ George Eliot

The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything ~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

The intermediate stage between socialism and capitalism is alcoholism ~ Norman Brenner

The keenest sorrow is to recognize ourselves as the sole cause of all our adversities ~ Sophocles

The key to being a good manager is keeping the people who hate me away from those who are still undecided ~ Casey Stengel

The last time somebody said, 'I find I can write much better with a word processor', I replied, 'They used to say the same thing about drugs' ~ Roy Blount Jr.

The least of learning is done in the classrooms ~ Thomas Merton

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder ~ Alfred Hitchcock

The line between failure and success is so fine that we scarcely know when we pass it - so fine that we often are on the line and do not know it ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep ~ Woody Allen

The love of truth lies at the root of much humour ~ Robertson Davies

The main dangers in this life are the people who want to change everything - or nothing ~ Nancy Astor

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness, can be trained to do most things ~ Jilly Cooper

The man of knowledge must be able not only to love his enemies but also to hate his friends ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

The man who does not do his own thinking is a slave, and is a traitor to himself and to his fellow-men ~ Robert Ingersoll

The man who insists on seeing with perfect clearness before he decides, never decides ~ Henri-Frédéric Amiel

The man who reads nothing at all is better educated than the man who reads nothing but newspapers ~ Thomas Jefferson

The man who says he is willing to meet you halfway is usually a poor judge of distance ~ Laurence J. Peter

The man who writes about himself and his own time is the only man who writes about all people and all time ~ George Bernard Shaw

The mediocre teacher tells. The good teacher explains. The superior teacher demonstrates. The great teacher inspires ~ William Arthur Ward

The men who really believe in themselves are all in lunatic asylums ~ GK Chesterton

The mind of a bigot is like the pupil of the eye. The more light you shine on it, the more it will contract ~ Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.

The more original a discovery, the more obvious it seems afterwards ~ Arthur Koestler

The more powerful and original a mind, the more it will incline towards the religion of solitude ~ Aldous Huxley

The more things a man is ashamed of, the more respectable he is ~ George Bernard Shaw

The more things change, the more they remain ... insane ~ Michael Fry and T. Lewis

The more you find out about the world, the more opportunities there are to laugh at it ~ Bill Nye

The more you read and observe about this Politics thing, you got to admit that each party is worse than the other. The one that's out always looks the best ~ Will Rogers

The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and science ~ Albert Einstein

The most common of all follies is to believe passionately in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind ~ HL Mencken

The most conservative persons I ever met are college undergraduates. The radicals are the men past middle life ~ Woodrow Wilson

The most dangerous strategy is to jump a chasm in two leaps ~ Benjamin Disraeli

The most erroneous stories are those we think we know best - and therefore never scrutinize or question ~ Stephen Jay Gould

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents ~ Nathaniel Borenstein

The most overlooked advantage to owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against wacking them around a little ~ Joe Martin

The most radical revolutionary will become a conservative the day after the revolution ~ Hannah Arendt

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found ~ Calvin Trillin

The most savage controversies are those about matters as to which there is no good evidence either way ~ Bertrand Russell

The most wasted of all days is one without laughter ~ ee cummings

The natural tendency of every government is to grow steadily worse that is, to grow more satisfactory to those who constitute it and less satisfactory to those who support it ~ H.L. Mencken

The Net is a waste of time, and that's exactly what's right about it ~ William Gibson

The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised ~ George F. Will

The nice thing about being a celebrity is that when you bore people, they think it's their fault ~ Henry Kissinger

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people ~ Lucille S. Harper

The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from ~ Andrew S. Tanenbaum

The nine most terrifying words in the English language are, 'I'm from the government and I'm here to help' ~ Ronald Reagan

The older I get the better I was

The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes. Let the reader catch his own breath ~ Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart

The one serious conviction that a man should have is that nothing is to be taken too seriously ~ Nicholas Butler

The one thing that doesn't abide by majority rule is a person's conscience ~ Harper Lee

The only difference between the Democrats and the Republicans is that the Democrats allow the poor to be corrupt, too ~ Oscar Levant

The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look respectable ~ John Kenneth Galbraith

The only good ideas are the ones I can take credit for ~ R. Stevens

The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well ~ Joe Ancis

The only paradise is paradise lost ~ Marcel Proust

The only people who find what they are looking for in life are the fault finders ~ Foster's Law

The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes ~ Dave Barry

The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside zboxes ~ Dave Barry

The only reason for being a professional writer is that you can't help it ~ Leo Rosten

The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill ~ Peter Ustinov

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory ~ Paul Fix

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel ~ James Thurber

The only sure weapon against bad ideas is better ideas ~ Alfred Whitney Griswold

The only thing that overcomes hard luck is hard work ~ Harry Golden

The only thing that saves us from the bureaucracy is inefficiency. An efficient bureaucracy is the greatest threat to liberty ~ Eugene McCarthy

The only thing that sustains one through life is the consciousness of the immense inferiority of everybody else, and this is a feeling that I have always cultivated ~ Oscar Wilde

The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any use to oneself ~ Oscar Wilde

The only thing worse than a man you can't control is a man you can ~ Margo Kaufman

The only way to discover the limits of the possible is to go beyond them into the impossible ~ Arthur C. Clarke

The only way to entertain some folks is to listen to them ~ Kin Hubbard

The only way to have a friend is to be one ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky ~ Solomon Short

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth ~ Niels Bohr

The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting ~ Fran Lebowitz

The opposite of the religious fanatic is not the fanatical atheist but the gentle cynic who cares not whether there is a god or not ~ Eric Hoffer

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, the pessimist fears this is true ~ James Branch Cabell

The past is not dead. In fact, it's not even past ~ William Faulkner

The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence ~ HL Mencken

The penalty for success is to be bored by the people who used to snub you ~ Nancy Astor

The penalty good men pay for indifference to public affairs is to be ruled by evil men ~ Plato

The people I distrust most are those who want to improve our lives but have only one course of action ~ Frank Herbert

The perfect bureaucrat everywhere is the man who manages to make no decisions and escape all responsibility ~ Brooks Atkinson

The petty economies of the rich are just as amazing as the silly extravagances of the poor ~ William Feather

The philosophy of one century is the common sense of the next ~ Henry Ward Beecher

The place where optimism most flourishes is the lunatic asylum ~ Havelock Ellis

The planting of trees is the least self-centered of all that we do. It is a purer act of faith than the procreation of children ~ Thornton Wilder

The point of living and of being an optimist, is to be foolish enough to believe the best is yet to come ~ Peter Ustinov

The point of philosophy is to start with something so simple as not to seem worth stating, and to end with something so paradoxical that no one will believe it ~ Bertrand Russell

The point of quotations is that one can use another's words to be insulting ~ Amanda Cross

The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it ~ George Bernard Shaw

The price good men pay for indifference to public affairs is to be ruled by evil men ~ Plato

The price of freedom of religion, or of speech, or of the press, is that we must put up with a good deal of rubbish ~ Robert Jackson

The price one pays for pursuing any profession or calling is an intimate knowledge of its ugly side ~ James Baldwin

The primary sign of a well-ordered mind is a man's ability to remain in one place and linger in his own company ~ Lucius Annaeus Seneca

The prime purpose of eloquence is to keep other people from talking ~ Louis Vermeil

The problem with cats is that they get the same exact look whether they see a moth or an axe murderer ~ Paula Poundstone

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues ~ Elizabeth Taylor

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind ~ Humprey Bogart

The public is wonderfully tolerant. It forgives everything except genius ~ Oscar Wilde

The public will believe anything, so long as it is not founded on truth ~ Edith Sitwell

The purpose of life is to fight maturity ~ Dick Werthimer

The quickest way of ending a war is to lose it ~ George Orwell

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right place but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment ~ Dorothy Nevill

The real hero is always a hero by mistake; he dreams of being an honest coward like everybody else ~ Umberto Eco

The real problem is not whether machines think but whether men do ~ BF Skinner

The real voyage of discovery consists, not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes ~ Marcel Proust

The really frightening thing about middle age is that you know you'll grow out of it ~ Doris Day

The reason lightning doesn't strike twice in the same place is that the same place isn't there the second time ~ Willie Tyler

The reason there is so little crime in Germany is that it's against the law ~ Alex Levin

The reason why so few good books are written is that so few people who can write know anything ~ Walter Bagehot

The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work ~ Robert Frost

The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man ~ George Bernard Shaw

The remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he really is very good, in spite of all the people who say he is very good ~ Robert Graves

The republic is a dream. Nothing happens unless first a dream ~ Carl Sandburg

The reserve of modern assertions is sometimes pushed to extremes, in which the fear of being contradicted leads the writer to strip himself of almost all sense and meaning ~ Sir Winston Churchill

The reserve of modern assertions is sometimes pushed to extremes, in which the fear of being contradicted leads the writer to strip himself of almost all zsense and meaning ~ Sir Winston Churchill

The reverse side also has a reverse side ~ Japanese Proverb

The reward of a thing well done, is to have done it ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously ~ Hubert H. Humphrey

The road to hell is paved with adverbs ~ Stephen King

The sad truth is that excellence makes people nervous ~ Shana Alexander

The saying - Getting There Is Half The Fun - became obsolete with the advent of commercial airlines ~ Henry J. Tillman

The scientific name for an animal that doesn't either run from or fight its enemies is lunch ~ Michael Friedman

The second half of a man's life is made up of nothing but the habits he has acquired during the first half ~ Fyodor Dostoevsky

The secret of being a bore is to tell everything ~ Voltaire

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources ~ Albert Einstein

The secret of eternal youth is arrested development ~ Alice Roosevelt Longworth

The secret of happiness lies in taking a genuine interest in all the details of daily life, and in elevating them to art ~ William Morris

The secret of joy in work is contained in one word - excellence. To know how to do something well is to enjoy it ~ Pearl Buck

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got it made ~ Jean Giraudoux

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources ~ Albert Einstein

The shampoo promised me extra body and I gained three pounds ~ unknown

The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't ~ Douglas Adams

The shortest distance between two points is under construction ~ Noelie Altito

The significance of man is that he is insignificant and is aware of it ~ Carl Becker

The significant problems we have cannot be solved at the same level of thinking with which we created them ~ Albert Einstein

The 'silly question' is the first intimation of some totally new development ~ Alfred North Whitehead

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up

The soul attracts that which it secretly harbors; that which it loves, and also that which it fears ~ James Allen

The squeaking wheel doesn't always get the grease. Sometimes it gets replaced ~ Vic Gold

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you ~ Rita Mae Brown

The strongest principle of growth lies in human choice ~ George Eliot

The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget ~ Thomas Szasz

The supreme irony of life is that hardly anyone gets out of it alive ~ Robert Heinlein

The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him ~ Robert Benchley

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools ~ Doug Larson

The test of courage comes when we are in the minority. The test of tolerance comes when we are in the majority ~ Ralph W. Sockman

The thing that impresses me the most about America is the way parents obey their children ~ King Edward VIII

The things we know best are the things we haven't been taught ~ Marquis de Vauvenargues

The third-rate mind is only happy when it is thinking with the majority. The second-rate mind is only happy when it is thinking with the minority. The first-rate mind is only happy when it is thinking ~ A.A. Milne

The time not to become a father is eighteen years before a war ~ EB White

The time to repair the roof is when the sun is shining ~ John F. Kennedy

The time to stop talking is when the other person nods his head affirmatively but says nothing ~ Henry S. Haskins

The town where I grew up has a zip code of EIEIO ~ Martin Mull

The trouble about trying to make yourself stupider than you really are is that you very often succeed ~ CS Lewis

The trouble with America is that there are far too many wide-open spaces surrounded by teeth ~ Charles Luckman

The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all of your time ~ Willem de Kooning

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it ~ Franklin P. Jones

The trouble with facts is that there are so many of them ~ Samuel McChord Crothers

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it ~ Terry Pratchett

The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass ~ Martin Mull

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be ~ Paul Valery

The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected ~ Will Rogers

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat ~ Lily Tomlin

The trouble with weather forecasting is that it's right too often for us to ignore it and wrong too often for us to rely on it ~ Patrick Young

The true danger is when liberty is nibbled away, for expedience, and by parts ~ Edmund Burke

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good ~ Samuel Johnson

The truly cultured are capable of owning thousands of unread books without losing their composure or their desire for more ~ Gabriel Zaid

The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it ~ Flannery O'Connor

The truth is more important than the facts ~ Frank Lloyd Wright

The truth that makes men free is for the most part the truth which men prefer not to hear ~ Herbert Agar

The two symbols of the Republican Party: an elephant, and a big fat white guy who is threatened by change ~ Seth MacFarlane

The ultimate measure of man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy ~ Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools ~ Herbert Spencer

The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced ~ Frank Zappa

The universe is full of magical things, patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper ~ Eden Phillpotts

The very first law in advertising is to avoid the concrete promise and cultivate the delightfully vague ~ Bill Cosby

The very purpose of existence is to reconcile the glowing opinion we have of ourselves with the appalling things that other people think about us ~ Quentin Crisp

The visionary lies to himself, the liar only to others ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling ~ Paula Poundstone

The way to get things done is not to mind who gets the credit of doing them ~ Benjamin Jowett

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong ~ Gandhi

The weirder you're going to behave, the more normal you should look. It works in reverse, too. When I see a kid with three or four rings in his nose, I know there is absolutely nothing extraordinary about that person ~ P.J. O'Rourke

The whole of science is nothing more than a refinement of everyday thinking ~ Albert Einstein

The whole secret of life is to be interested in one thing profoundly and in a thousand things well ~ Horace Walpole

The whole world is in revolt. Soon there will be only five Kings left ~ the King of England, the King of Spades, The King of Clubs, the King of Hearts, and the King of Diamonds ~ King Farouk of Egypt

The will to believe is perhaps the most powerful, but certainly the most dangerous human attribute ~ John P. Grier

The wisdom of the wise, and the experience of ages, may be preserved by quotation ~ Benjamin Disraeli

The wise man must be wise before, not after ~ Epicharmus

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself ~ James Thurber

The word 'meaningful' when used today is nearly always meaningless ~ Paul Johnson

The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites' ~ Larry Hardiman

The world does not change as much as our appreciation of the world does ~ Philippos

The world is governed more by appearances than realities, so that it is fully as necessary to seem to know something as to know it ~ Daniel Webster

The world is my lobster ~ Henry J. Tillman

The world is round; it has no point ~ Adrienne E. Gusoff

The world is too dangerous for anything but truth and too small for anything but love ~ William Sloan Coffin

The world of books is the most remarkable creation of man. Nothing else that he builds ever lasts ~ Clarence Shepard Day

The world only goes round by misunderstanding ~ Charles Baudelaire

The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself ~ Mark Twain

The worst thing about Europe is that you can't go out in the middle of the night and get a Slurpee ~ Tellis Frank

The worst-tempered people I've ever met were people who knew they were wrong ~ Wilson Mizner

The young have aspirations that never come to pass, the old have reminiscences of what never happened ~ Saki

Theatre rule: at any event, the people whose seats are farthest from the aisle arrive last

There are 10^11 stars in the galaxy. That used to be a huge number. But it's only a hundred billion. It's less than the national deficit! We used to call them astronomical numbers. Now we should call them economical numbers ~ Richard Feynman

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible ~ P.J. O'Rourke

There are grammatical errors even in his silence ~ Stanislaw J. Lec

There are many questions which fools can ask that wise men cannot answer ~ George Polya

There are many who dare not kill themselves for fear of what the neighbors will say ~ Cyril Connolly

There are more fools in the world than there are people ~ Heinrich Heine

There are more of them than us ~ Herb Caen

There are no persons capable of stooping so low as those who desire to rise in the world ~ Marguerite Guardiner

There are no wise few. Every aristocracy that has ever existed has behaved, in all essential points, exactly like a small mob ~ G. K. Chesterton

There are only two emotions in a plane: boredom and terror ~ Orson Welles

There are only two kinds of people who are really fascinating: people who know absolutely everything, and people who know absolutely nothing ~ Oscar Wilde

There are only two kinds of scholars; those who love ideas and those who hate them ~ Emile Chartier

There are only two ways of telling the complete truth~anonymously and posthumously ~ Thomas Sowell

There are painters who transform the sun to a yellow spot, but there are others who with the help of their art and their intelligence, transform a yellow spot into the sun ~ Pablo Picasso

There are some that only employ words for the purpose of disguising their thoughts ~ Voltaire

There are three ingredients to the good life; learning, earning, and yearning ~ Christopher Morley

There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics ~ Benjamin Disraeli

There are three social classes in America: upper middle class, middle class, and lower middle class ~ Judith Martin

There are three types of people ... those who can count ... and those who can't

There are times when parenthood seems nothing but feeding the mouth that bites you ~ Peter De Vries

There are two kinds of light - the glow that illuminates, and the glare that obscures ~ James Thurber

There are two kinds of people in the world, those who believe there are two kinds of people in the world and those who don't ~ Robert Benchley

There are two kinds of people, those who finish what they start and so on ~ Robert Byrne

There are two things that will be believed of any man whatsoever, and one of them is that he has taken to drink ~ Booth Tarkington

There art two cardinal sins from which all others spring: Impatience and Laziness ~ Franz Kafka

There is a Law that man should love his neighbor as himself. In a few hundred years it should be as natural to mankind as breathing or the upright gait; but if he does not learn it he must perish ~ Alfred Adler

There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened ~ Douglas Adams

There is a tragic flaw in our precious Constitution, and I don't know what can be done to fix it. This is it: Only nut cases want to be president ~ Kurt Vonnegut

There is always a well-known solution to every human problem~neat, plausible, and wrong ~ H. L. Mencken

There is always more misery among the lower classes than there is humanity in the higher ~ Victor Hugo

There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

There is no abstract art. You must always start with something. Afterward you can remove all traces of reality ~ Pablo Picasso

There is no credit to being a comedian, when you have the whole Government working for you. All you have to do is report the facts. I don't even have to exaggerate ~ Will Rogers

There is no cure for birth and death save to enjoy the interval. The dark background which death supplies brings out the tender colors of life in all their purity ~ George Santayana

There is no doubt that the first requirement for a composer is to be dead ~ Arthur Honegger

There is no excellent beauty that hath not some strangeness in the proportion ~ Sir Francis Bacon

There is no expedient to which a man will not go to avoid the labor of thinking ~ Thomas A. Edison

There is no fate that cannot be surmounted by scorn ~ Albert Camus

There is no greater impotence in all the world like knowing you are right and that the wave of the world is wrong, yet the wave crashes upon you ~ Norman Mailer

There is no kind of dishonesty into which otherwise good people more easily and frequently fall than that of defrauding the government ~ Benjamin Franklin

There is no moral precept that does not have something inconvenient about it ~ Denis Diderot

There is no nonsense so gross that society will not, at some time, make a doctrine of it and defend it with every weapon of communal stupidity ~ Robertson Davies

There is no passion like that of a functionary for his function ~ Georges Clemenceau

There is no reciprocity. Men love women, women love children, children love hamsters ~ Alice Thomas Ellis

There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness ~ Josh Billings

There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else ~ James Thurber

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence ~ Henry Adams

There is nobody so irritating as somebody with less intelligence and more sense than we have ~ Don Herold

There is not any memory with less satisfaction than the memory of some temptation we resisted ~ James Branch Cabell

There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered ~ Nelson Mandela

There is nothing more demoralizing than a small but adequate income ~ Edmund Wilson

There is nothing more dreadful than imagination without taste ~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

There is nothing new under the sun but there are lots of old things we don't know ~ Ambrose Bierce

There is nothing worse than a brilliant image of a fuzzy concept ~ Ansel Adams

There is nothing worse than aggressive stupidity ~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

There is one thing women can never take away from men. We die sooner ~ P.J. O'Rourke

There is only one difference between a madman and me. I am not mad ~ Salvador Dali

There is only one thing a philosopher can be relied upon to do, and that is to contradict other philosophers ~ William James

There is still a difference between something and nothing, but it is purely geometrical and there is nothing behind the geometry ~ Martin Gardner

There is, I think, nothing in the world more futile than the attempt to find out how a task should be done when one has not yet decided what the task is ~ Alexander Meiklejohn

There must be more to life than having everything ~ Maurice Sendak

There was a time when we expected nothing of our children but obedience, as opposed to the present, when we expect everything of them but obedience ~ Anatole Broyard

There was a time when we expected nothing of our children but obedience, as opposed to the present, when we expect everything of them but obedience ~ zAnatole Broyard

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot ~ Steven Wright

There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line ~ Oscar Levant

There's a whiff of the lynch mob or the lemming migration about any overlarge concentration of like-thinking individuals, no matter how virtuous their cause ~ PJ O'Rourke

There's a whiff of the lynch mob or the lemming migration about any overlarge concentration of like-thinking individuals, no matter how virtuous their cause ~ PJ zO'Rourke

There's always somebody who is paid too much, and taxed too little - and it's always somebody else ~ Cullen Hightower

There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good ~ Stephen Colbert

There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes ~ Doctor Who

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past ~ George Carlin

There's no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn't tell you about it? ~ Kin Hubbard

There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure ~ Jack E. Leonard

There's one way to find out if a man is honest. Ask him. If he says 'yes' you know he's a crook ~ Groucho Marx

There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again ~ Clint Eastwood

There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets? ~ Dick Cavett

There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all ~ Robert Orben

There's three ways to do things, the right way, the wrong way and the way that I do it ~ Robert De Niro, Casino

They are ill discoverers that think there is no land, when they can see nothing but sea ~ Sir Francis Bacon

They certainly give very strange names to diseases ~ Plato

They defend their errors as if they were defending their inheritance ~ Edmund Burke

They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge ~ Thomas Brackett Reed

They say that God is everywhere, and yet we always think of Him as somewhat of a recluse ~ Emily Dickinson

They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them ~ unknown

They used to photograph Shirley Temple through gauze. They should photograph me through linoleum ~ Tallulah Bankhead

Things are more like they are now than they ever were before ~ Dwight D. Eisenhower

Things are more like they are now than they have ever been ~ Gerald R. Ford

Things are only impossible until they're not ~ Jean-Luc Picard

Things do not happen. They are made to happen ~ John F. Kennedy

Think of what would happen to us in America if there were no humorists; life would be one long Congressional Record ~ Tom Masson

This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer ~ Will Rogers

This is like deja vu all over again ~ Yogi Berra

This is one of those views which are so absolutely absurd that only very learned men could possibly adopt them ~ Bertrand Russell

This paperback is very interesting, but I find it will never replace a hardcover book - it makes a very poor doorstop ~ Alfred Hitchcock

This time, like all times, is a very good one, if we but know what to do with it ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thomas Jefferson once said, 'We should never judge a president by his age, only by his works.' And ever since he told me that, I stopped worrying ~ Ronald Reagan

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them ... well, I have others ~ Groucho Marx

Those who agree with us may not be right, but we admire their astuteness ~ Cullen Hightower

Those who are silent, self-effacing and attentive become the recipients of confidences ~ Thornton Wilder

Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand - - Kurt Vonnegut

Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities ~ Voltaire

Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night ~ Edgar Allan Poe

Those who flee temptation generally leave a forwarding address ~ Lane Olinghouse

Those who speak most of progress measure it by quantity and not by quality ~ George Santayana

Those who welcome death have only tried it from the ears up ~ Wilson Mizner

Those who will listen to nothing will fall for anything ~ Malcolm X

Those who would give up essential liberty to purchase a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety ~ Benjamin Franklin

Thought is only a flash between two long nights, but this flash is everything ~ Henri Poincare

Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage ~ Woody Allen

Three grand essentials to happiness in this life are something to do, something to love, and something to hope for ~ Joseph Addison

Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead ~ Benjamin Franklin

Through humour we see in what seems rational, the irrational; in what seems important, the unimportant ~ Charlie Chaplin

Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so ~ Douglas Adams

Time is that quality of nature which keeps events from happening all at once. Lately it doesn't seem to be working ~ anonymous

Times have not become more violent. They have just become more televised ~ Marilyn Manson

Tis better to be silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt ~ Abraham Lincoln

To achieve the impossible dream, try going to sleep ~ Joan Klempner

To avoid criticism do nothing, say nothing, be nothing ~ Elbert Hubbard

To be able to fill leisure intelligently is the last product of civilization, and at present very few people have reached this level ~ Bertrand Russell

To be amused by what you read~that is the great spring of happy quotations ~ CE Montague

To be great is to be misunderstood ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

To be interested in the changing seasons is, in this middling zone, a happier state of mind than to be hopelessly in love with spring ~ George Santayana

To be pleased with one's limits is a wretched state ~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

To be positive: To be mistaken at the top of one's voice ~ Ambrose Bierce

To be prepared for war is one of the most effectual means of preserving peace ~ George Washington

To be remembered after we are dead is but poor recompense for being treated with contempt while we are living ~ William Hazlitt

To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost ~ Gustave Flaubert

To be willing to die for an idea is to set a rather high price on conjecture ~ Anatole France

To believe is to know you believe, and to know you believe is not to believe ~ Jean-Paul Sartre

To choose doubt as a philosophy of life is akin to choosing immobility as a means of transportation ~ Yann Martel

To create something you must be something ~ Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

To disagree with three-fourths of the British public is one of the first requisites of sanity ~ Oscar Wilde

To do just the opposite is also a form of imitation ~ Georg Christoph Lichtenberg

To err is dysfunctional, to forgive co-dependent ~ Berton Averre

To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer ~ Farmers' Almanac

To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three men, two of whom are absent ~ Robert Copeland

To have a right to do a thing is not at all the same as to be right in doing it ~ GK Chesterton

To improve is to change; to be perfect is to change often ~ Sir Winston Churchill

To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk ~ Thomas A. Edison

To knock a thing down, especially if it is cocked at an arrogant angle, is a deep delight of the blood ~ George Santayana

To know all is not to forgive all. It is to despise everybody ~ Quentin Crisp

To know another language is to have a second soul ~ Charlemagne

To live is so startling it leaves little time for anything else ~ Emily Dickinson

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other ~ Jack Handy

To me, old age is always 15 years older than I am ~ Bernard Baruch

To my embarrassment I was born in bed with a lady ~ Wilson Mizner

To predict the behavior of ordinary people in advance, you only have to assume that they will always try to escape a disagreeable situation with the smallest possible expenditure of intelligence ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

To pretend, I actually do the thing: I have therefore only pretended to pretend ~ Jacques Derrida

To punish me for my contempt for authority, fate made me an authority myself ~ Albert Einstein

To refuse awards is another way of accepting them with more noise than is normal ~ Peter Ustinov

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles

To succeed in the world it is not enough to be stupid, you must also be well-mannered ~ Voltaire

Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register open and the toilets locked. They must think toilet paper is worth more than money ~ Joey Bishop

Today's public figures can no longer write their own speeches or books, and there is some evidence that they can't read them either ~ Gore Vidal

Too many have dispensed with generosity in order to practice charity ~ Albert Camus

Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity. They seem more afraid of life than death ~ James F. Byrnes

Too much of a good thing is wonderful ~ Mae West

Tradition is what you resort to when you don't have the time or the money to do it right ~ Kurt Herbert Alder

Traditions are group efforts to keep the unexpected from happening ~ Barbara Tober

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines ~ David Letterman

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die ~ Mel Brooks

Treat people as if they were what they ought to be and you help them to become what they are capable of being ~ Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

Truth is beautiful, without doubt; but so are lies ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Truth is more of a stranger than fiction ~ Mark Twain

Try to learn something about everything and everything about something ~ Thomas H. Huxley

Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American newspaper is like trying to play Bach's St. Matthew's Passion on a ukulele ~ Bagdikian's Observation

Trying to determine what is going on in the world by reading newspapers is like trying to tell the time by watching the second hand of a clock ~ Ben Hecht

Turn the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles ~ Frank Lloyd Wright

TV is chewing gum for the eyes ~ Frank Lloyd Wright

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long ~ unknown

Two paradoxes are better than one; they may even suggest a solution ~ Edward Teller

Typos are very important to all written form. It gives the reader something to look for so they aren't distracted by the total lack of content in your writing ~ Randy K. Milholland

1 | A | B | C | D | E | F | G | H | I | J | K | L | M | N | O | P | Q | R | S | T | U | V | W | Y | Z

U

Under all speech that is good for anything there lies a silence that is better. Silence is deep as Eternity; speech is shallow as Time ~ Thomas Carlyle

Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it's just the opposite ~ John Kenneth Galbraith

Unprovided with original learning, unformed in the habits of thinking, unskilled in the arts of composition, I resolved to write a book ~ Edward Gibbon

Until you've lost your reputation, you never realize what a burden it was ~ Margaret Mitchell

Usually, terrible things that are done with the excuse that progress requires them are not really progress at all, but just terrible things ~ Russell Baker

1 | A | B | C | D | E | F | G | H | I | J | K | L | M | N | O | P | Q | R | S | T | U | V | W | Y | Z

V

Very little is known of the Canadian country since it is rarely visited by anyone but the Queen and illiterate sport fishermen ~ P. J. O'Rourke

Victory has a hundred fathers and defeat is an orphan ~ John F. Kennedy or Benito Mussolini's son-in-law, Count Galeazzo Ciano

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent ~ Isaac Asimov

Virtue is its own punishment ~ Aneurin Bevan

Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them

Vitality shows not only in the ability to persist, but in the ability to start over ~ F. Scott Fitzgerald

Vote early and vote often ~ Al Capone

1 | A | B | C | D | E | F | G | H | I | J | K | L | M | N | O | P | Q | R | S | T | U | V | W | Y | Z

W

Walking isn't a lost art: one must, by some means, get to the garage ~ Evan Esar

War is a cowardly escape from the problems of peace ~ Thomas Mann

War is a series of catastrophes that results in a victory ~ Georges Clemenceau

War is much too serious a matter to be entrusted to the military ~ Georges Clemenceau

War is not nice ~ Barbara Bush

Wars teach us not to love our enemies, but to hate our allies ~ WL George

We all have strength enough to endure the misfortunes of others ~ Francois de La Rochefoucauld

We are all apt to believe what the world believes about us ~ George Eliot

We are alone, absolutely alone on this chance planet: and, amid all the forms of life that surround us, not one, excepting the dog, has made an alliance with us ~ Maurice Maeterlinck

We are bits of stellar matter that got cold by accident, bits of a star gone wrong ~ Sir Arthur Eddington

We are continually faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems ~ John W. Gardner

We are cups, constantly and quietly being filled. The trick is, knowing how to tip ourselves over and let the beautiful stuff out ~ Ray Bradbury

We are drawn to our television sets each April the way we are drawn to the scene of an accident ~ Vincent Canby

We are here on Earth to do good to others. What the others are here for, I don't know ~ WH Auden

We are inclined to believe those whom we do not know because they have never deceived us ~ Samuel Johnson

We are more ready to try the untried when what we do is inconsequential. Hence the fact that many inventions had their birth as toys ~ Eric Hoffer

We are none of us infallible--not even the youngest of us ~ WH Thompson

We are not afraid to entrust the American people with unpleasant facts, foreign ideas, alien philosophies, and competitive values. For a nation that is afraid to let its people judge the truth and falsehood in an open market is a nation that is afraid of its people ~ John F. Kennedy

We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be ~ Kurt Vonnegut

We can forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light ~ Plato

We can have facts without thinking but we cannot have thinking without facts ~ John Dewey

We can lick gravity, but sometimes the paperwork is overwhelming ~ Wernher von Braun

We can't all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by ~ Will Rogers

We confess our little faults to persuade people that we have no large ones ~ Francois de La Rochefoucauld

We do not know what we want and yet we are responsible for what we are - that is the fact ~ Jean-Paul Sartre

We do not write because we want to; we write because we have to ~ W. Somerset Maugham

We do on stage things that are supposed to happen off. Which is a kind of integrity, if you look on every exit as being an entrance somewhere else ~ Tom Stoppard

We do what we must, and call it by the best names ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

We don't bother much about dress and manners in England, because as a nation we don't dress well and we've no manners ~ George Bernard Shaw

We don't see things as they are, we see things as we are ~ Anais Nin

We don't seem to be able to check crime, so why not legalise it and then tax it out of business ~ Will Rogers

We forfeit three-fourths of ourselves in order to be like other people ~ Arthur Schopenhauer

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office ~ Aesop

We have really everything in common with America nowadays except, of course, language ~ Oscar Wilde

We have so much time and so little to do. Strike that, reverse it ~ Roald Dahl

We judge of man's wisdom by his hope ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

We know what happens to people who stay in the middle of the road. They get run over ~ Aneurin Bevan

We learn something every day, and lots of times it's that what we learned the day before was wrong ~ Bill Vaughan

We live in a moment of history where change is so speeded up that we begin to see the present only when it is already disappearing ~ R. D. Laing

We live in a Newtonian world of Einsteinian physics ruled by Frankenstein logic ~ David Russell

We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police ~ Jeff Marder

We may not imagine how our lives could be more frustrating and complex--but Congress can ~ Cullen Hightower

We need a president who's fluent in at least one language ~ Buck Henry

We need not to be let alone. We need to be really bothered once in a while. How long is it since you were really bothered? About something important, about something real? ~ Ray Bradbury

We now accept the fact that learning is a lifelong process of keeping abreast of change. And the most pressing task is to teach people how to learn ~ Peter F. Drucker

We now feel we can cure the patient without his fully understanding what made him sick. We are no longer so interested in peeling the onion as in changing it ~ Dr. Franz Alexander

We rarely think people have good sense unless they agree with us ~ Francois de La Rochefoucauld

We seem to believe it is possible to ward off death by following rules of good grooming ~ Don Delillo

We should be taught not to wait for inspiration to start a thing. Action always generates inspiration. Inspiration seldom generates action ~ Frank Tibolt

We turn not older with years, but newer every day ~ Emily Dickinson

We were happily married for eight months. Unfortunately, we were married for four and a half years ~ Nick Faldo

We will bankrupt ourselves in the vain search for absolute security ~ Dwight David Eisenhower

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they? ~ George Carlin

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone? ~ James Thurber

We're actors - we're the opposite of people ~ Tom Stoppard

We're not lost. We're locationally challenged ~ John M. Ford

We've heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we know that is not true ~ Robert Wilensky

What a blessing it would be if we could open and shut our ears as easily as we open and shut our eyes! ~ Georg Christoph Lichtenberg

What a pity, when Christopher Colombus discovered America, that he ever mentioned it ~ Margot Asquith

What happens when the future has come and gone? ~ Robert Half

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death ~ Dave Barry

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists? ~ Woody Allen

What if there were no hypothetical questions? ~ unknown

What if this weren't a hypothetical question ~ unknown

What is a cynic? A man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing ~ Oscar Wilde

What is a 'free' gift? Aren't all gifts free? ~ unknown

What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies ~ Aristotle

What is once well done is done forever ~ Henry David Thoreau

What is written without effort is in general read without pleasure ~ Samuel Johnson

What is youth except a man or a woman before it is ready or fit to be seen? ~ Evelyn Waugh

What luck for rulers that men do not think ~ Adolf Hitler

What music is more enchanting than the voices of young people, when you can't hear what they say? ~ Logan Pearsall Smith

What others think of us would be of little moment did it not, when known, so deeply tinge what we think of ourselves ~ Paul Valery

What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left ~ Oscar Levant

What this country needs is more free speech worth listening to ~ Hansell B. Duckett

What was the greatest thing before sliced bread? Hmmmm?

What we anticipate seldom occurs; what we least expected generally happens ~ Benjamin Disraeli

What we become depends on what we read after all of the professors have finished with us. The greatest university of all is a collection of books ~ Thomas Carlyle

What we call Progress is the exchange of one nuisance for another nuisance ~ Havelock Ellis

What we need in this world is more production and less suction ~ Charles C. Gates Jr.

What we're saying today is that you're either part of the solution or you're part of the problem ~ Eldridge Cleaver

What you are is God's gift to you, what you make of yourself is your gift to God ~ Jewish Proverb

What you fail to understand is the power of hate. It can fill the heart as surely as love can ~ Earl Felton

Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it ~ Mahatma Gandhi

Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this, that you are dreadfully like other people ~ James Russell Lowell

What's money anyhow? A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and goes to bed at night and in between does what he wants to do ~ Bob Dylan

What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement? ~ Fred Allen

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds ~ Cindy Gardner

What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it? ~ Doctor Who

When a man is wrapped up in himself, he makes a pretty small package ~ John Ruskin

When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute - and it's longer than any hour. That's relativity ~ Albert Einstein

When a person can no longer laugh at himself, it is time for others to laugh at him ~ Thomas Szasz

When a thing ceases to be a subject of controversy, it ceases to be a subject of interest ~ William Hazlitt

When a thing has been said and well, have no scruple. Take it and copy it ~ Anatole France

When a thing is funny, search it carefully for a hidden truth ~ George Bernard Shaw

When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators ~ PJ O'Rourke

When dealing with the insane, the best method is to pretend to be sane ~ Hermann Hesse

When everybody starts looking really smart, and not realizing that a lot of it was luck, I get scared ~ Raphael Yavneh

When everyone is against you, it means that you are absolutely wrong ~ or absolutely right ~ Albert Guinon

When everyone is somebody, then no one's anybody ~ WS Gilbert

When I am abroad, I always make it a rule never to criticize or attack the government of my own country. I make up for lost time when I come home ~ Sir Winston Churchill

When I came back to Dublin I was courtmartialed in my absence and sentenced to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence ~ Brendan Behan

When I do good, I feel good; when I do bad, I feel bad, and that is my religion ~ Abraham Lincoln

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading ~ Henny Youngman

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now I'm beginning to believe it ~ Clarence Darrow

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them ~ Rodney Dangerfield

When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half ~ Gracie Allen

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face .... turned me over and said. Look ... twins! ~ Rodney Dangerfield

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room ~ Woody Allen

When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not ~ Mark Twain

When men are pure, laws are useless; when men are corrupt, laws are broken ~ Benjamin Disraeli

When money speaks, the truth keeps silent ~ Russian proverb

When one does away with oneself one does the most estimable thing possible: one thereby almost deserves to live ~ Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other ~ Eric Hoffer

When Solomon said there was a time and a place for everything he had not encountered the problem of parking his automobile ~ Bob Edwards

When someone asked Abraham Lincoln, after he was elected president, what he was going to do about his enemies, he replied, I am going to destroy them. I am going to make them my friends ~ Abraham Lincoln

When someone tells you something defies description, you can be pretty sure he's going to have a go at it anyway ~ Clyde B. Aster

When the Devil quotes Scriptures, it's not, really, to deceive, but simply that the masses are so ignorant of theology that somebody has to teach them the elementary texts before he can seduce them ~ Paul Goodman

When the gods wish to punish us, they answer our prayers ~ Oscar Wilde

When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro ~ Hunter S. Thompson

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail ~ unknown

When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer Present or Not guilty ~ Theodore Roosevelt

When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to discover they are not it ~ Bernard Bailey

When we got into office, the thing that surprised me the most was that things were as bad as we'd been saying they were ~ John F. Kennedy

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained ~ Mark Twain

When you are arguing with a fool, make sure he isn't doing the same thing

When you encounter seemingly good advice that contradicts other seemingly good advice, ignore them both ~ Al Franken

When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty ~ Norm Crosby

When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth ~ Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

When you look at yourself from a universal standpoint, something inside always reminds or informs you that there are bigger and better things to worry about ~ Albert Einstein

When you rule by fear, laughter is the most frightening sound in the world ~ Jerry Lewis

When you think of the long and gloomy history of man, you will find more hideous crimes have been committed in the name of obedience than have ever been committed in the name of rebellion ~ CP Snow

Whenever an individual or a business decides that success has been attained, progress stops ~ Thomas J. Watson

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego' ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

Whenever I dwell for any length of time on my own shortcomings, they gradually begin to seem mild, harmless, rather engaging little things, not at all like the staring defects in other people's characters ~ Margaret Halsey

Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally ~ Abraham Lincoln

Whenever you have an efficient government you have a dictatorship ~ Harry S Truman

Where all think alike, no one thinks very much ~ Walter Lippmann

Where facts are few, experts are many ~ Donald R. Gannon

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will ~ John Kenneth Galbraith

Where is human nature so weak as in the bookstore? ~ Henry Ward Beecher

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end ~ Jerry Seinfeld

Where we have strong emotions, we're liable to fool ourselves ~ Carl Sagan

Where you have a concentration of power in a few hands, all too frequently men with the mentality of gangsters get control. History has proven that. Power tends to corrupt; absolute power corrupts absolutely ~ Lord Acton

Whining is not only graceless, but can be dangerous. It can alert a brute that a victim is in the neighborhood ~ Maya Angelou

Who dares to teach must never cease to learn ~ John Cotton Dana

Who is more busy than he who hath least to do? ~ John Clarke

Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody ~ Benjamin Franklin

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered? ~ Woody Allen

Why be a man when you can be a success? ~ Bertolt Brecht

Why do writers write? Because it isn't there ~ Thomas Berger

Why do you have to be a nonconformist like everybody else? ~ James Thurber

Why is it that our memory is good enough to retain the least triviality that happens to us, and yet not good enough to recollect how often we have told it to the same person - Francois de La Rochefoucauld

Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet? ~ Lily Tomlin

Why shouldn't things be largely absurd, futile, and transitory? They are so, and we are so, and they and we go very well together ~ George Santayana

Why was I born with such contemporaries? ~ Oscar Wilde

Wilson's law: as soon as you find a product you really like, they will stop making it

Winning may not be everything, but losing has little to recommend it ~ Dianne Feinstein

Wisdom consists of the anticipation of consequences ~ Norman Cousins

Wisdom is born, stupidity is learned ~ Russian proverb

Wisdom is often times nearer when we stoop than when we soar ~ William Wordsworth

Wisdom is what's left after we've run out of personal opinions ~ Cullen Hightower

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something ~ Benjamin Franklin

With Epcot Center the Disney corporation has accomplished something I didn't think possible in today's world. They have created a land of make-believe that's worse than regular life ~ PJ O'Rourke

With fame I become more and more stupid, which of course is a very common phenomenon ~ Albert Einstein

Without heroes, we are all plain people and don't know how far we can go ~ Bernard Malamud

Without music, life would be a mistake ~ Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

Without the aid of prejudice and custom I should not be able to find my way across the room ~ William Hazlitt

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place ~ Billy Crystal

Women want mediocre men, and men are working hard to become as mediocre as possible ~ Margaret Mead

Words are, of course, the most powerful drug used by mankind ~ Rudyard Kipling

Work is the curse of the drinking class ~ Oscar Wilde

Works of art, in my opinion, are the only objects in the material universe to possess internal order, and that is why, though I don't believe that only art matters, I do believe in Art for Art's sake ~ EM Forster

Would those of you in the cheaper seats clap your hands? And the rest of you, if you'll just rattle your jewelry ~ John Lennon

Write a wise saying and your name will live forever ~ anonymous

Writers should be read, but neither seen nor heard ~ Daphne du Maurier

1 | A | B | C | D | E | F | G | H | I | J | K | L | M | N | O | P | Q | R | S | T | U | V | W | Y | Z

Y

Yes, we have to divide up our time like that, between our politics and our equations. But to me our equations are far more important, for politics are only a matter of present concern. A mathematical equation stands forever ~ Albert Einstein

You are only young once, but you can be immature forever ~ Hannah Marks

You are what you think about all day long ~ Robert H. Schuller

You campaign in poetry. You govern in prose ~ Mario Cuomo

You can be a rank insider as well as a rank outsider ~ Robert Frost

You can discover what your enemy fears most by observing the means he uses to frighten you ~ Eric Hoffer

You can do very little with faith, but you can do nothing without it ~ Samuel Butler

You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can not fool all of the people all of the time ~ Abraham Lincoln

You can fool too many of the people too much of the time ~ James Thurber

You can get much farther with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone ~ Al Capone

You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun ~ Al Capone

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred ~ Woody Allen

You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake ~ Jeannette Rankin

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature ~ Dave Barry

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty ~ Sacha Guitry

You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a firefly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart ~ Fred Allen

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans ~ Ronald Reagan

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus ~ Mark Twain

You cannot make a man by standing a sheep on its hind legs. But by standing a flock of sheep in that position you can make a crowd of men ~ Max Beerbohm

You can't build a reputation on what you are going to do ~ Henry Ford

You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus ~ Mark Twain

You can't find any true closeness in Hollywood, because everybody does the fake closeness so well ~ Carrie Fisher

You can't get rid of poverty by giving people money ~ P.J. O'Rourke

You can't wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club ~ Jack London

You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable doubt ~ Ed Meese

You don't get anything clean without getting something else dirty ~ Cecil Baxter

You don't have to be straight to be in the military; you just have to be able to shoot straight ~ Sen. Barry Goldwater

You don't have to suffer to be a poet; adolescence is enough suffering for anyone ~ John Ciardi

You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing ~ Michael Pritchard

You don't win the silver, you lose the gold ~ Mean Jean Oakland

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. ... You must do the thing you think you cannot do ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

You get fifteen democrats in a room, and you get twenty opinions ~ Senator Patrick Leahy

You have to know how to accept rejection and reject acceptance ~ Ray Bradbury

You know everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects ~ Will Rogers

You know that children are growing up when they start asking questions that have answers ~ John J. Plomp

You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going ~ P.J. O'Rourke

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there ~ George Burns

You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery, are now extinct ~ W. Somerset Maugham

You laugh at me cause I am different, I laugh at you cause you are all the same

You live and learn. At any rate, you live ~ Douglas Adams

You must first have a lot of patience to learn to have patience ~ Stanislaw J. Lec

You must not think me necessarily foolish because I am facetious, nor will I consider you necessarily wise because you are grave ~ Sydney Smith

You never fail until you stop trying ~ Nell Mondy

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive

You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do ~ Olin Miller

You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat ~ Albert Einstein

You will find that the State is the kind of organization which, though it does big things badly, does small things badly, too ~ John Kenneth Galbraith

Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not original and the part that is original is not good ~ Samuel Johnson

Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with ~ Bob Wells

You're never too old to become younger ~ Mae West

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life ~ Herbert Henry Asquith

You've achieved success in your field when you don't know whether what you're doing is work or play ~ Warren Beatty

You've got to take the bitter with the sour ~ Samuel Goldwyn

Z

Zoo: An excellent place to study the habits of human beings ~ Evan Esar

1 | A | B | C | D | E | F | G | H | I | J | K | L | M | N | O | P | Q | R | S | T | U | V | W | Y | Z

web watch - i wish i had said that

wiseguy words to live by

New

1

A

B

C

D

E

F

G

H

I

J

K

L

M

N

O

P

Q

R

S

T

U

V

W

Y

Z