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It's always handy for crime reporters to know people behind bars.

It makes it easier to get another prisoner on the line, perhaps somebody accused in a high-profile case. We can't count on defence lawyers, Crown prosecutors or judges to help us.

Alberta Government Solicitor General and Public Security image

While Michael White was in the Remand Centre in Red Deer, I asked him to sniff around and see if he could find out if a certain offender was in custody. He agreed.

The story was that a young man, wanted on Canada-wide warrants and now facing new charges of car theft, was picked up by police and thrown in the Edmonton Remand Centre.

The punk arrived on one of the units on the second floor, complaining to other cons that a police officer had berated him for stealing the car of "somebody important."

"Somebody important!?" he snapped. "Somebody important!?

"Are you serious? ... there was an empty pizza box and candy wrappers all over the place. And in the trunk some fucking Donny Osmond music!"

There was more.

"Under the front passenger seat was a humungous pair of crotchless panties ... and a double-headed two-foot dildo.

"And I stole the car at a church!

"Somebody important!?"

The prisoner who told me the story was the same guy who said police would be in touch with me about the White interview at the Remand.

But this time he wasn't in a panic. He was laughing so hard I thought he might croak.

It's not often I get a call from a prisoner at the Remand Centre and they're laughing hysterically. Not even calls from guards.

I smiled. Actually, I did more than that ... I laughed so hard I nearly wet my pants.

I regained my composure. "That's shocking!" I said. "WHO listens to Donny Osmond music?"

I asked my contact if the car thief would call me with more details.

Who says crime reporters don't do stories on religious people whose vehicles are stolen?

What a story this would be if I could just firm things up ... but I couldn't.

In no time at all, the car thief was moved off the unit, maybe moved right out of the Remand, I don't know.

I asked around – by this time the Donny Osmond story was the buzz of the Remand – but no one could tell me where the alleged car thief had gone.

Sometimes prisoners at the Remand Centre in Edmonton are transferred to the Remand Centre in Red Deer.

Maybe that's where he was.

I was hoping that Michael White, who was being held in Red Deer, might be able to tell me if the car thief was on his unit.

White said that after he got all the particulars he yelled out to the guys on his range: "Anyone here steal a car with a dildo in it?"

He said a con fessed up to taking a pick-up but it didn't have any sex-toys in it.

Dang!

White said he made no mention to the other prisoners of the Donny Osmond music. There are some things prisoners just can't bring up for fear of a severe beating, and Donny Osmond music is one.

I tried to locate the car thief by checking the dockets at the courthouse, but the information sheets don't give details of what's behind a theft under $1,000 charge.

What's a Donny Osmond music collection worth anyway?

For a while the dildo story was the buzz of the courthouse with folks poking fun at "important people."

But unless the cops come clean about this, it will go down as just another unsolved mystery.

The city hasn't had a good sex yarn since the time a politician got caught one night with his male lover in a city park.

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deadmonton - michael white - the untold story - 29